A Lesson Somewhere Out There

There is another 2 more days to the start of 2014. I had a really up and down year in 2013. I was re-reading my earlier posts and I mentioned that somewhere along the lines of all the amazing things that had happened, there has to be a lesson to be learn. I might not know God's grand plans but I've learnt to be more patient, letting things go and not let it get to me too much. I've learnt how to enjoy the good times with my family and nephews and friends. I've learn to love myself a bit more and not place anyone above me. Have faith, hope and love.

A full circle

Ever wonder how certain things just go back to where it all started especially relationships? Maybe there are some truth in the quote, "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust", taken from the bible, Dust thou art, and unto dust thou shalt return, Genesis 3:19. I've been quoting from religious books a lot recently. I don't know if it could just mean I'm getting older. I'm not religious but I do believe in reading a lot. The other one that I've been researching is the term, faith, hope and love. I'm going to get that ink and that's a reference from the bible. Not that I would inked myself with religious scriptures or anything of that sort. But its more of the fact that I've been reading more of them.

I was just thinking about my latest relationship to how we started knowing each other till now, we have come a full circle. From strangers to friends, to close friends to dating and then back to complete strangers, don't you find human behaviours fascinating? I really do find it fascinating. One of my bestie was joking to say that I could be pregnant and I was thinking to myself, hell no, do I want to carry his child! Then I realized, maybe the whole thing was fragile and it was never meant to be. We both just fell into by convenience or by ease, and we just took it from there. We had one argument and then it just disintegrated. And that's where the sad part is, we could never be as close of friends as we used to be. And yep, we are complete strangers now. Fully completed the circle. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. No matter what happens along the journey, we will return to dust. That's why we owe it to ourselves to make the journey a happy and fulfilling one because this is the only journey we have. 

Reminiscing..

Sitting here in Starbucks at Pantai Medical Centre, I think a lot about my late dad. I think this is the first time that I had think of him as my late father. It has been 11 months since he had left us and we still miss him everyday. 

But now, I suddenly remember our happy incidents and funny encounter. One of it was when I bring both my parents out and usually it involves shopping. Dad will get bored so I used to park him at Starbucks. When I asked him what he wants to drink, he will tell me, Kopi O Kosong Hot. I used to laugh at that, saying that it just means americano. Then he would retort ya, call the coffee in english and you pay 10 times the price. He is not wrong in that. But I guess the cool and hip factor wasn't very high on his list. And that's how it goes with him and our coffee. I've picked up my coffee habit through him and it has been a very strong part of us whenever we smell coffee in the air. Till his very last day, he was still asking for Kopi O Kosong Ping. 

I still tear up whenever I think about him but it gets easier and better to talk about him and laugh at our memories. There were a lot of good ones to hold on to. Christmas is round the corner and I still remember the first time it was mandatory for us to buy presents for everyone after my eldest sister has converted. Dad bought all of us lollipops!!! Big huge ass ones!! And he gave the one with bell to my mom!!! Dad was a big joker! 

Last Christmas I cooked up a feast for everyone. I'll try to do that every year as long as I can cook and bake. I had inadvertently started a tradition of chocolate chip cookies bake off for my nephews. Something which I intend to keep. I'm now slowly charting and starting our own culture and traditions to keep things going. Moving on, we all are.....  

A year in review?

2013. I don't even know where to start on this year. I just cut my hair and honestly, I never knew that such a simple act can free me as much as it did. It is very therapeutic for me and it just free me in my mind. For some reasons, after I cut my hair, after those last words of someone telling me "you have your own life right?", I free the demon in me. Letting go after those smarting remarks was a lot easier. And it is good for me. 

A fresh new start, a new PJ, a stronger and better PJ. That's all me in the coming 2014. Come what may, I can't wait for 2014 to be here and start everything fresh and new. But one thing I've learnt now, have faith and hope, it will all fall into place, it will happen at the right time. Its ok to slow down and smell the roses along the way. And it is definitely ok to stop chasing things, stop rushing things and let it go. If it is meant to be, it will happen. 

And I'm lucky to have my family stand by me, and my friends that supported me through out this period. Listening to my ranting and not once allow me to indulge in my self pity. In fact, my family and my friends are the reason why I've not allowed myself to wallow in self pity and definitely not throwing my pity party. 

Chin up, move on head held high! Bring it on, 2014!

Madiba and all that he represents

It is amazing how a freedom fighter in South Africa can affect me but he did. I read his book on his "Long Walk to Freedom" and his inspiration for the Boks but I don't live in South Africa, I was not part of those that benefited his work but he was still an inspiration for all of us globally. He believed in equality for all regardless of race, color and gender. And it made it all more meaningful when his memorial service was conducted on the World Humans' Rights Day. 

The interfaith prayers, everyone else's eulogies of him, the sea of colors mourning for him. That was a sight to behold on his own. Although I still can't understand that the most notable picture from the memorial service was one of Barack Obama taking a selfie with the Danish PM and how Michelle Obama "stare" at him. 

He is really the Father of the rainbow nation and he fought for what he truly believe in. I have friends from South Africa that benefited from all that he had fought for. And for that, I truly respect him and I respect all that he represents. This is the case where I believe, one individual can make a difference. There won't be another Madiba for a long while. Looking at the current world leaders and their weak policies, Madiba was a breath of fresh air that made the difference at the right place and time.

Laid to rest

My thoughts I hope will finally be laid to rest. Finally I managed to sit down with B and we finally talked. I hope I had made some sense to him when I said that we broke up because we broke down in communication. I hope that I had made him realized that it isn't just me that caused it all. Yes, my drama would have perpetuated it but his silence fuelled the whole thing. He retorted saying, ya, can you do with less drama and I retorted back, can you talk a bit more? 

I don't hope that we will get back together. But I do hope that we can start salvaging the friendship and see where it leads to. I still find it amazing that when we sit down and communicate, we can work things out. But when we are apart, it is just all hell break loose.

His natural defense mechanism is to clam up and hope the problem resolves itself. And usually it does and then, it becomes the silent elephant in the room. Quiet, invisible but you can feel its presence enveloping you. So, here I am trying to chart another way for our relationship, not ignoring the issues but trying slowly to unravel the issues. He used to say that he needs to find a way to blunt my edginess. Now, I need to find a way to slowly bring him out of the cocoon.

He made one remark yesterday, so instead of messaging, maybe I should just meet him. And i replied back, trying to get you to meet me took a month and you were reluctant! So, how do you suggest we do this? Sometimes we are so fixated on the problems that it caused to forget we had all the good things going for us. 

And I guess, I'll still try. I haven't given up hope but I'm not clinging on to it. Come what may, come what be in this life. With all the recent happenings, I think we all deserve a second chance. Love, Faith, Hope. Those are the 3 things that I can hold on to. 

And I came across this quote and it kind of put everything into perspective for me. 

“If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do. If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs. “Busy” is another word for “asshole.” “Asshole” is another word for the guy you’re dating. You deserve a fucking phone call.” 
― Greg Behrendt

The Year That Has Been

I, for one, can't wait for 2013 to be over. It has been the highest of highs and lowest of low and all in the space of 12 months. Theoretically when I'm typing this, it should be 11 months but then, looking at how fast time passes us now, I won't be surprise if I blink and its Christmas. 

Let's start with the lowest of low. I've lost way too many people this year. It got me wary, it got me scared. And now, there isn't any other way out of this but to say a little prayer for those who had left and just accept it. I had and still will miss my dad, very much. I can't help wishing day in, day out, that he is still here to witness all the things his daughters had achieved to date. And he would have been proud. He would have smiled on us in his crooked smile and nodded. He would have said, ya.

Also, friends that I had lost this year. Its amazing that I'll start losing friends at this age. I had also lost a relationship this year and that was the cause of all the downtime.

On the up side, I had made some new friends, I had started my own business, I had went to a new country and I'm ending the year with loads of travel. Its all good then. 

I had nothing to regret and nothing to feel bad about. I had said my piece and made my peace. That's important to me. Now, I just need to feel good about myself and start living my life again as Pei Jet. 

Letting it go

Realizing we are all mere mortals is probably the greatest lesson I've learnt this year. I'm trying to take heart with the words, everything happens for a reason. We might not be privy to the reason now but take heart that you will recognize it when it hits you. I'm still waiting for that time and for the realization to hit me. 

Letting go for this control freak is not easy. And trying to make sense of all the madness and craziness that has happened in the last 2 months feels like losing control. And until I get that light bulb moment, every single morsel of information I can gleam it out will be lapped up, devoured and kept as an arsenal. And I ask myself now, why do I do that? I can't control the proceedings, I can't control the outcome, I have no control over the whole thing and let alone be in the scene. So why do I have this need to torture myself this way? 

I try and I push myself everyday, working on things, doing things, keeping myself busy. Not knowing when it will take me over, just knowing that it numbs me. And I have this recurring thoughts, thoughts that just go round and round and round. Who am I? What do I want? Where do I fit in all these craziness? And I never seem to find that elusive answer. Scary part to all these is that, I can feel myself sliding downwards into an abyss that is my mind. 

Until I can figure out all these, I just surround myself with people, my alone time, my family and friends hoping that I can quietly answer all these questions. And maybe its all because I'm emotionally unstable. All the bottled up, suppressed feelings are coming back out in a vengeance. Knowing things in your head and working out what's in your heart is really two different things. I tell myself now, "Heart, quiet down and be still. You have had your time and it caused havoc. Time for you to take a rest and let things be." And with that, the head takes over and learning to let things go and let things be. For sooner or later, we will all return to God and maybe that is when I get my light bulb moment. And it might not be a bad thing, at least, I get to reunite with my loved ones on the other side. 

You will be missed.......

I lost a friend today. It was unexpected as I was just talking to him 6 days back about the good food in Jakarta and how he should try all my favorite food haunts. I had known Ziad for 4 years now and he remembered the whole entire thing more than me. I remember asking him once, how long have we known each other and without a blink of an eye, he said 4 years. He didn't have to think about it and he remembered it all. He is a people's person through and true. He had always treated me like a sister and I used to tease him about learning Mandarin. I know we always joked about his overseas trip without his wife but I know, every single time that he travels, he misses his wife and family dearly. He was a good husband and father. Ziad, I miss our chats about travels and all our misadventures. I'll truly treasure those moments. Although far and few in between, I'll remember how you supported me and laughed with me over one too many drinks. 

Yes, I agree with you when you said that I deserve a guy that treasures me and sees me for who I am. And I know you will look after me either shaking your head or smirking at me, at my nonsense.

Bro, you were one in a million and I still can't believe you are gone. You will always have a special place in my heart. Till we meet again sooner or later, don't have too much fun up there without me. And yes, remember that I had introduced you to the best dark chocolate tart ever! Rest in peace my dear friend, Ziad Asmat. It is my honor and pleasure to have known you in my life. God loves you more. Take care over there!

Still wondering....

I wonder what will drive one man to literally go anonymous and only hold on to his core support. What did he go through to be that and what has brought his defence mechanism to such? What baggage does he have to go through such extremes to protect his privacy? What is it that he is hiding? Isn't it tiring and painful? 

Moving on from self imposed imprisonment

This past one month has been an amazing journey. Ups and downs and ins and outs and my only outlet has been working and writing. I've written so much in the last one month its amazing. No, its only my ramblings which means it will not see daylight but I enjoy just pouring it all out and then take pleasure in hitting the delete button. 

I'm slowly moving on now. From not working to hopefully, a new job in mid December. Well, something or someone has to pay me whilst I can continue my journey with Geeky Maven on the side. I had started reading again and I forgot the joys of mornings in bed with a book. I had started running again, the best and most therapeutic way to work all those anxiety away, if only the weather would agree with me. I had also started drinking again but only limited to stout and whiskey. Well, a girl needs to know her drinks and make every one of those empty calorie a quality one.

I had also spent a lot of time with mom, my aunt, my 2 nephews and my friends. I've also started traveling again and I can't wait for it to bring to somewhere else and uncharted. 

Most of all, this last one month has been an eye opener. My eyes opened to what relationships truly are. There is no set rules, no expectations, no boundaries and definitely nothing about control. But then there also a lot of people with different outlooks on relationship and as we grow older, we have a preconceived notion and set rules of what works and doesn't. There is no more throwing caution to the wind, we become more cautious, weary and jaded. But there is also less drama when things doesn't work out, yes, you will still be upset, you will still cry one month on, you will still yearn and long for it. You will still think with your heart and you will let your heart guide you for a little while more. Once, the battle is won by your head, it is easier to let go. I've learn now that there is a small joy in a relationship that is without drama. There is a joy in letting things go and setting yourself free. There is no point holding on. Yes, your heart will be stubborn and forever optimistically asking you to hold on. Your head will be there to tell you, its ok. Time heals all things and you will get stronger.

Sometimes all you need to do is quiet the heart and let your logical head guide you through. You will be able to sleep better at night and the pain will be lesser. The hurt will also lessen in time. You need your time to grieve but you know you will move on. Respect the relationship that had passed, grieve for the lost chance, lost opportunity even the lost of a friend. But you know deep down, it will pass and one day, you will wake up with a smile and a spring in your step. And you will know then, it has passed. Just don't let it drown you in misery. Just don't indulge in it, just don't throw pity parties. You know you will be fine. Don't try too hard or it will kill you. Let it be, let it go, take a deep breathe, close your eyes, say a little prayer and trust it will all be OK. And it will be. Maybe not tomorrow, not next week, but give it time to grieve, and then the healing can begin. Once the healing starts, you know that the worst is over and behind you. Learn from the experience and move on. Once you can accept that, the smile on your face and that spring in your step will happen. If not, wash rinse and repeat. 

Que sera sera, whatever will be will be. 

The birth of Geeky Maven

I have been a very miserable person for coming to 2 months I reckon. Yes, I got into an argument with B and we broke up 1 month into the argument. I'm no longer working and it added to the whole equation and he just changed jobs. Too many things happening at one time and it was just bad. Right guy wrong timing or wrong guy right timing? I wouldn't know. But I do know now that I'm moving on and hence, the birth of Geeky Maven. 

My dream of freelance and doing my own things have finally came through. And by stroke of luck, I have 2 clients now. It is amazing to say the least. Most efforts, time and focus that I have, day in, day out is on Geeky Maven. It is amazing how much details and work I need to put in to set up the company, to market ourselves and to just talk to people about it. But I'm learning things and I'm learning how to make this work instead of just a side income. Hopefully, if all goes well, it will be sustainable after 1 year and bigger and better things after 3 years. Keeping my fingers and toes cross!

Stopped trying

You know what is amazing? Is that when you stopped trying I see you answering phones and texts of others. I don't get it and I realized now it is me that you are trying to avoid, even when we have unresolved issues, even when you left just like that. You can retort back with, you don't know what you are saying because you don't know what is happening. Well, that's right mister, I don't know because you didn't tell me. I'm not a mind reader. And how do you expect me to know when you don't tell me. It is just a downright breakdown in communications and yet, you don't see a need to address it anymore. So, there you go, a relationship down the drain because you are commitment phobic and just refused to talk anymore. In fact, what's amazing is you don't care. 

Fear is all in the mind

Fear. What is fear? According to Psychology Today, it states that fear is a vital response to physical and emotional danger and if we didn't feel it, we couldn't protect ourselves from legitimate threats. But often we fear situations that are far from life-or-death, and thus hang back for no good reason. Traumas or bad experiences can trigger a fear response within us that is hard to quell. Yet (by) exposing ourselves to our personal demons is the best way to move past them.

I got into a very big argument with B, 3 weeks ago and it still remains as a sore point between the 2 of us. What's amazing is that the ups and downs we went through after that and no doubt it was supplemented by my drama queen antics. By the time we sat down and talk, i got more confused by the minute. And now, with both of us saying that we will work on it, I somehow don't seem him compromising. I still feel like he is punishing me and I'm getting more confused with each passing day. Yes, we are taking it slow, we are starting back but I still feel like he is punishing me and yes, I fear for the unknown. So, I asked him, I need a list of do's and don'ts so that I won't drive him up the wall or bug him. But he doesn't want. With so many things happening in my life, the last thing I want to go through now is a break up. So, I need to know so that I won't be self destructive. But I don't get that. All I know is I can't do anything and I can't deal with that. 

I am treading very cautiously on egg shells now and I'm scared one wrong move or question and he will clam up again. I'm also worried one non-action from him, I'll throw the whole equation out of order. So, I ask him questions, can i do this or that for the relationship? would you be doing this or that? And of course, there's a backlash to that. I now, have an insatiable need to know. I'm now the impatient one. But you know what I'm now at... I'm just confused and I want to clear it all up. I can't do this. I can't do that. I can do this. I can do that. I was just thinking to myself, why don't I just stop the misery and just go on with my life and do whatever it is I need to do. 

Another letter to Gramps

Gramps,

It has been more than 3 years since you left us. I miss you old man. For some reasons, I dug through our old email exchanges and I've been hitting myself that I didn't save those from long time ago. I read through one email where you imparted your Jones' philosophy and its something that I had kept in my mind and remind myself time and again when things go wrong especially on the personal front.

I miss our chats and your advise. I miss just being able to talk to you. I wonder if you know my Dad by now and go out for fishing adventures over there. Today your philosophy rings very true to me and thanks for sharing those wise words with me.

Philosophy according to Jones

"You will know, without any doubt, if he is the right guy. If any doubts, forget it. You perhaps can 'envisage' a life together, but that suggests doubt to me, or perhaps more appropriately, the thought/belief that there may be better alternatives. You just have not found them yet.
Be forthright and verbal with your thoughts and desires. Life is too short. Above all, be honest with yourself.
Whatever you want, go for it. Too late when on your death-bed. At last you can say 'I tried. I may have failed. But I tried'. And this is better than saying "I wish I had........"

 And here endeth the lesson :)

Bittersweet..

*queue Bittersweet Symphony*

As things slowly rolls to a stop, you can't help but feel melancholic about the turn of events and decisions made. Once a decision is made, there's no point looking backwards, just look forward to what lies ahead. 

It really hits me now as things are slowly winding down and I'm slowly handing over items for others to follow up. 

Carpe Diem Spirit

I suddenly remembered this poem, "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost, that someone had once written in their farewell note. I had often come across this poem since that farewell note. Its amazing how some things are stuck to your head. When I first read that poem, I thought to myself, that should be my journey of life. I had always say that I want this life of mine to be meaningful, to accomplish things and to make a difference, no matter how small it is. 

From a very self centric decision to now, a decision I made for my loved ones, the only difference I feel nowadays is that I'm at peace with myself and the decision that I had made. I'm no longer angry and thinks that the world owes me anything. I had in actual fact, made a decision as an adult, in consultation with B, and bite the bullet. Yes, it might have been shocking to some, timing wise it wasn't fantastic, but this is probably the best or the stupidest decision I've made. For the first time in my life, I have no backup plan, I have no exit plan, I have zero plan. But what I have is a lot of offers to do a lot of different things. Its amazing how it moves from one thing to another and yet another without realising that there is a market for everything. 

Well, after a tumultuous year, I'm going to take a break come year end for 2 months. I'm looking forward to the break. No, I'm not getting married and no, I'm not planning to have kids. What I plan to do is get some freelance work so that I will still have some income (albeit a very big pay cut!), focus on my loved ones and prepare for the first Christmas with B. If someone had asked me 2 years back would I be quitting my job for someone else or anyone else for that matter, the answer would have been a flat out no. 

So, with that, I'll be taking a road that I would not have travelled on at all...

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth; 

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day! 
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.  

Observations

Took the day off today. Wanted to welcome B home and pick him up at the airport. I had missed him a lot this trip and he was away for slightly more than a week. It is amazing how we had gotten close and how we miss each other so much. 

After dropping him home, I had settled my car and I had my first taste of financial freedom. To celebrate the moment, I went straight to Alexis and enjoyed my aglio olio in my corner. I seem to think this corner table should have my name engraved on it! You will know when you are at a place too much and waiters know you too well, when they say, we have your usual table and is your friend joining you today? I used to come here alone almost every weekend. Then, it became months and then quarters. But recently, I started coming back here quite regularly. It's funny when the guys still remember you and since then, B had joined me a couple times. And they now remember B as well! I think I come here too often!

Now that lunch crowd is coming in, a couple is seated next to me. You can tell that they are attracted to each other and starting out as friends. The girl is overexcited in her conversations and a little bit too chirpy. The guy is trying to be chilled and relaxed and laughing at her stories. It reminded me of B and me. Then, I wonder am I like that too when I'm around B last time? Or maybe I'm still like that now around him. He still can make me blush and make me be this girly girl. I'm still trying to figure out why I'm like that around him. 

But having said that, I haven't been happier in a relationship. In a relationship of give and take, it's been a learning experience for both of us, more so me than him. I'm now his darling, wifey, sweetheart,  drama queen, manja baby, and that's only what I can remember. And by his own admission, that's progress for me already!! 

And now, as I observe the couple next to me, I'm eager to know how this develops.. 

Self destruction

B is traveling for a week and this is the first time since we got together that he is away. Like all new relationship, I miss him a lot. Today, in one of the Skype calls, he said something about me which I thought was really unfair. And it hurts a lot and still does. Although the context of the word was different, I can't help being sensitive about it. And when B went on to explain further, it hit me that the more he explain the worse it got. Questions of what I am to him arise, then in only my classic PJ way that I know, I go into my self destructive mode. A pattern that I realized I go through telling myself I'm not suited for a relationship, I'm not worthy of one or its too much of a hassle. I know he is sorry for the remark. But I can't help but wonder, where does that leave me? Am I rushing into things, or am I pushing my way in, or am I letting my past mistakes to come back and haunt me and repeat them again? 

The old insecurities, the old fears, the old scary feelings all came back today. I got scared. I'm afraid of turning into the unrecognizable person I became in my previous relationship. I'm afraid that I become this needy thing that is indescribable. And all it took to provoke the memory, the insecurities, was just one word. One word that my sister had used on me before and one word that AB described me as the effect. I had caused a man to suffocate before. And both AB and B had said this of me, you are nice person and strong. I had hated that 2 words since. AB once told me, I'm a nice person and strong. So whatever happens, if the relationship ends, I'm strong enough to go through it. He was right I did. But it took me all of 1 year just to be ok and another 1 year to think about another relationship and 1 more year to actually allow myself to be happy in my own skin. 

I know the motions I go through. One word to provoke, turns into an argument, and I won't rest till I get what I want out of the argument. And I'm relentless in that. I'll just push and push and push and be this irritating needy person. And then, lo and behold, I hate myself! AB used to say, he now knows why I'm so suited for a job as customer facing, my relentless persistence to get the answer I want. And I can feel myself doing it to B. then it raised the question of why am I comparing? B is different, B is more patient and he puts up with a lot of my nonsense. So why can't I learn to not let the past fears affect my future actions? Answer is........ I don't know.

Ramblings of a bored executive in a foreign office

Well, I've been sent to Jakarta to see if we can sort things out here for a expo next week. While they have been slow to start and slow to go through it, their laid back attitude to work still gets on my nerves. There are still certain things I'm not used to. Like the fact that we are using teddy bears to attract people to our booth. I love the idea that they want a teaser but I have great misgivings for their execution. The said bear would have been nice and classy at 6 inches high is now 60 inches high. It is the type of bear that you would love to give to your kids! 

I'm starting to understand and appreciate the culture here in Jakarta or Indonesians in general. Nothing that they do surprises me anymore. I'm just learning not to step on other's toes and not force my belief and standards onto others. What I deem correct might not actually be right for them. So come what may, I've learnt to accept and move on. Life's too short to spend it upset. 

But another surprising thing that happened to me today, was a friend that I met through work. He is on my facebook list and he dropped a link for a woman who asked for a man that will be her partner and share her experience with. She ended her whole tirade by saying that she is worth it. What I found surprising was why he sent it to me. And we had a conversation on what a relationship should be and our different experiences. I'm no smart alec when it comes to relationship. But I guess I found myself to be lucky with B and I always ask him, what would you do without me? In reality, I often asked myself what I would do without him.

I ended that conversation with my friend, coincidentally initialed B as well, with me expressing my doubt on whether if all these is too good to be true and every relationship is a gamble. And with that gamble, we have to decide if the odds are with or against us. But in a relationship, when we made the decision through discussion, it is all about dual carriageways and crossing bridges together. Maybe when the time is right, the rings that we will have will be engraved with "Dual Carriageways to Cross Bridges TOGETHER"

Reflections

Recently I've been doing a lot of inward reflection. Probably because I had too much time on the flights to and from US. More than 24 hours door to door isn't very fun and gave me loads of time to think!  

One of the things that I keep thinking is my dad. He has left us for 4 months already and as we are all trying to adjust without him, I miss him loads and was still subconsciously doing things for him. It is only recently I realized one thing, my dad was an excellent judge of character. There was just something about him and the way he sees people. To be fair to him, he had never objected to any of the guys I brought home but there was one I remember that he hated on sight! As usual, in my own stubborn ways, I didn't listen to him. I am after all his daughter! But now looking back, he was right and I should have listen. I wonder what he would say about the current guy I'm dating now. 

I miss dad and the occasional chats we would have if we are not arguing. It struck me on flight that I would not have him around to witness all my major milestones anymore. That makes me down but life goes on. And with that, we are all slowly moving on in our own time and ways. 

Relearning how things are

Some time and somewhere along our journey in this life, we learn certain things and pick up certain habits that we deem correct but not necessarily viewed that way by everyone else. Although I'm not the fan of the general and public views, I've acquired habits that I deem correct and things that I'll avoid in order to protect myself.

I've recently started dating B recently. Give it about 3 months maybe. The good side to this is I've known him like 3-4 years now, but it was still very much on the surface. Now, I treat everyone the same and with my same bubbly attitude and don't judge till I know them better. Somehow with B, I've always been a bit shy but always happy around him. Things are just comfortable, it's like going out with your best friend.

I'm not used to having a guy making the effort to do things. I'm not used to having someone that genuinely cares about what I think and feel. I'm not used to having someone that will bear with my idiosyncrasies and still think that it's ok to be like that. And someone to go ring shopping with me. Also, how I just blush and be shy around him, all girly and giggly.

So, everything is a learning experience now. I have to lose a lot of the sharp edges I've acquired along the way. He always say that he needs to find a way to diffuse the bomb in my actions. In the last 3 months, I have people telling me I'm demanding, fierce and grumpy. I'm jumpy, cautious and sarcastic to people that I'm close with. I realized that I've acquired that as a means to protect myself. 

I've recently met up with an old friend, Scott, and we haven't caught up in the last 4 years. It was amazing that we could chat long and short about our lives. One of his first remark to me was, "I see no one has locked you down yet!", All these while tapping on my ring finger. I must say I was stunned when he said that. Now, this was a man I haven't seen or email in the last 4 years and because I'm in town, I decided to meet up. His next comment was even more revealing. He said that I'm all tough and assertive and aggressive in meetings at a very young age, very unlikely for Asians and let alone an Asian woman! But he ended those revealing remark with, "And I know you better, you are all soft, mushy and sensitive inside!" 

What was revealing was not his earlier remark, it was the last remark he made that shocked me. I had made it a habit not to let people know me. Since young, I've been known to have a few different personas. This was a means for myself not to let people know me. The only ones that know me well would be my sisters and a few of my closest friends. They have seen all sides of me and they know, deep down I'm a big mess crumbling when things get to a point I can't control. 

That same remark that Scott made about me, was the same remark B said of me. Outside a tough chick, inside 'manja' only. It made me think, am I losing my sharp edges? Or am I just saying that I'm done being different PJ and there's only going to be one and only one PJ? And if that's the case, would it be so bad?

And if there is going to be only one PJ, then, I would need to relearn a lot of stuff. Some of it being, is how to include B around my life, how to get used to having someone else in my life and not keeping them at an arm's length anymore, how to get used to someone that genuinely cares and reciprocating that. One thing B taught me was dual carriageways and I'm quite happy to live with that. The only thing that I brought to this relationship is crossing bridges together, something which I'm learning too. How do we face issues as a team and resolving it together, hand in hand. And I'm just taking it all in and learning again, how to love, how to enjoy it and how to just sit back, chill and relax and let nature runs it own course. Because Lord knows there is a lesson in there somewhere waiting for me. 

A very flour-y afternoon

It is amazing how I can easily forget how much fun it is to work with kids and their innocent smiles just make my day. I had the joy of having 15 refugee kids from Myanmar to attend our corporate cooking session. I had no idea we were making pasta and trust me, I had fun with the three darlings in my team, Van Suk Ling, Van Dam and Lal Duat. They are around the ages 10-12 and seriously, their innocence and wide smiles and antics made my day. 

I still think making pasta is not the best idea with the kids but then again, it was so much fun! With the kids having their best fun kneading, making shapes and cooking the pasta and the sauce. 

They each came and gave me hug after the class was over and trust me, that was the best feeling I had. Puts a smile and ended the very horrible work week that I had on a very positive note :)

Embracing..

From the start of the 2013 till now, we have been adjusting to life and embracing its changes and differences. Dad has moved on and left a big void, mom is still feeling the lost and sisters have regained their normalcy and a step up in their work pace. I've been busy with work, companying mom and then stolen time with my new guy.

I must say, I'm learning a lot with this guy. He was a friend first and foremost and it's amazing that he pays attention to what I had said, remember and very patient with me and my idiosyncrasies. What's even more amazing is how supportive this relationship had been and being there for each other and just enjoy each others company. We constantly joke about how we can complement each other especially his calmness against my explosive nature. And his patience with my impatience and grumpiness. I'm learning a lot with him, like how to be in a relationship, how to keep it simple and how to wait and not chase for things.

Well, I'm now going out with my best friend and now I really believe in the never say never phrase. I used to say I won't date him, I won't be able to get along with his laid back attitude and I definitely won't be able to stand his unshakeable calm. But what I didn't realize that it was all these things that attracted me to him. I'm actually not afraid to call him darling hubby and he calls me darling wifey. That started out as a joke but its just comfortable and easy calling him that without the usual shudder and thinking that he is some psychopath. It's been 2 months already and I'm really embracing him in my life. We even talked about what we want in life and the future.

Until recently, I thought I was one tough chic that is proud and happy with her independence and freedom. But it does feel good to share this life with someone now. In fact, I used to say that if I do settle down etc, I won't be living with the in laws till hell freezes over. But after his recent parents scare, I actually agreed with him and he is now planning on how to get his parents to stay with him. I'm surprised that I'm encouraging that and just accepting it.

I'm happy, excited and a bit fearful of what the future holds. But I'm now a firm believer that God has been trying to teach me a lesson all these while. He won't close one door on me without keeping the windows open. I've had grand plans of leaving the country and starting all over again in a new environment, doing things that I want to do and going back to study. But when everything was shaken up end last year, I'm now accepting it that I won't be doing that for now or maybe never. But it's not that bad, in fact, I haven't been happier since I embrace this.

Pondering....

After Daddy has moved on, I missed him more and more in this period of adjustment. We are all trying to adjust to life without him and without his presence for mom. We all know mom needs company and she needs more than just us to pass this difficult period. Its been 3 months now and suddenly I find myself in the same position I was a long time ago when Dad was still around and active. The constant argument and tug and pull between going out with my friends and spending time with my family.  

Maybe I have issues in communications or maybe I have an issue with confrontations. But either ways, i find myself at the same crossroads i had years ago. The difference was in those times, I had no one around in town and all of it fell on my shoulders. Now, I have some help and yet, I find myself apologising nonstop to everyone around me for cancelled plans and re-scheduling. If only life is as easy as me arranging my calendar for work. I don't know why I find myself apologising nonstop and why I feel as though I'm dragging people around me into my issues. And I hate that feeling. The feeling of helplessness, feeling of being insecure, feeling of not being in control, feeling of losing control. 

I know I have communications issues. If I had a way to avoid confrontation, I would. And i've succeeded in a career as a deal maker, as tactful communicator, how is it that when it comes to my own personal life, I'm utterly shits at it. I know my friends are angry with me when I just let people literally step all over me, when I don't fight for it. But what kind of fight can you put up against family and your loved ones? What happened to the value of compromise and family love and values? What happens when the one you feel that screws you over are your family? And me feeling that I've screwed my sisters and mom over. 

I had my fair share of hits and misses in life. And one of it is when I thought I had met someone that shared with me, the same outlook and passion for life. What I didn't know then and realised it now, I treated him as my means of escape. Escaping family, escaping family responsibility. I'm really utterly shits in this area of my life. I don't know what it means to be in a relationship. What it means to be committed and what it means to stay honest and true to yourself. I remember my last few relationships go through the same cycle of self destruction. We meet, we fall in love, we say I love you, we be happy in our own bubble. And then, I have this uncanny ability to drag up the past, relive it for them, the need to know, the need to ponder and the need to let the green jealous beast rear its ugly head. And then, i kill the relationship in a myriad of ways that only I could think of. I stress the poor bugger out with my constant need to talk and be a drama queen, or the need to know where they always are, with who and why. then, I'll pop up and surprise the hell out of the bugger with my friends saying that we decided to go there too and what coincidence it was. Or the worst, I'll cheat on him with another guy and pretended it was a tit for tat attitude. I remember stressing the hell out of Ken, drama my way out with Eric, and cheated on Ben. It was amazing how I managed to be all that and still try to come out holier than thou. And when all these happen, I took time off and then 6 months later, I had Suresh asking if we should start all over again. That was the epic of all failures! He had me doubting myself and I irritated the hell out of him. After that, i had my friends trailing him thinking that he is just playing with my feelings. In fact, it had gotten so bad that i purposely flirted with another guy just to show him up. Of course, no prizes are given to know that the relationship ended before it could properly start.

And now, I'm back to where I am, sitting in Alexis, enjoying my time alone with my cup of coffee and pasta, people watching. One of my favourite pastime of just being out and observing people and their antics. To my right, is probably a group 15 friends chatting, catching up. In front of me, 2 small families trying to have some quality family time. And all the while, the hustle and bustle of the bar keeps me entertained with their antics. Of course the jazz music playing overhead calms me down. Somehow, being here, and just observing and allowing all that noise to envelope me, calms me down. Detaching myself from all the noise, and just quietly observing and watching and letting my mind wonder what do they do in their real life and what brings them to this place. I wonder if there is anybody out there that is also observing me and being entertained by my antics. And yes, being narcissistic is part of my charm. 

 A friend of mine said that I have a really sad outlook on being in a relationship, the "woe is me" attitude. I do admit that I do think that and it is really just my outlook in relationship. And now, trying to start a relationship and this period of adjustment, I'm back to square one again. Such is life!

A Snake Year without my Daddy

I lost my daddy on the 28th January 2013 to liver cancer, or to be more accurate, hepatocellular carcinoma. He had battled this for 2 years and he lost the battle. It wasn't easy for us to see his downward slide. But, he passed away surrounded by all of us family members and his loved ones. Everyone that he had loved came by to say their goodbyes and their love. Not all that passed away has that luxury and the blessed feeling. I had never knew my Dad had affected so many people in his life and those that attended the wake were in awe of him and us. He had brought us up well and garnered a lot of people's respect.

I miss him nowadays especially when Chinese New Year is tomorrow and usually by now, the house is decorated with loads of red decoration and flowers and songs blasting. He would have loved watching all the tv shows now. CNY is probably his favorite time of the year and he alway looks forward to all of us at home with him and mom. 

It still feels like he just went away for a couple of days. The first few days after his funeral, everything seems like one big blur. Lost, confusion, still calling out for him. I still say his name during dinner and I could still feel his presence around us. 

This will be the first year that we are celebrating CNY without him and this is his year, year of snake. I already miss him a lot. I'm not going to force myself to stop crying or stop missing him. But it gets easier day by day to talk about him without crying and to stop tearing everytime I just think about him. 

Daddy, I miss you loads. Wherever you are now, I hope you know that you are missed dearly and we love you loads. Daddy, good night. 

Baking Challenge Week 1

52 weeks challenge for baking with 52 different recipes. I think I might just be mad but oh well, at least I'll enjoy the fruits of this challenge!

First up was a double challenge as my dad wanted to eat lemon drizzle cake and I just wanted to finish off all the chocolate chip cookies that I had bought for Christmas. This was the end results. Looks quite good right?

For the lemon drizzle cake, I followed this recipe The best lemon drizzle cake. EVER and was I happy. The cake was really moist. My only problem was the only pan I had with me at that time was a 9inch spring form pan which proved to be too deep for the cake. My next attempt at this would be a smaller pan or double/triple the amount for the cake. 

For the chocolate chip cookie, I used this recipe Chocolate Chip Cookie and I used Hershey's Special Dark Chocolate Chips. I decided to empty the whole packet in. Also, instead of following the 3/4 cup of butter, I just threw the whole slab of 250g of SCS Butter. Now I know why some people just loved to eat the cookie dough. 

So now, 52 recipes and 2 down, let's hope for more successes to come.