Letting it go

Realizing we are all mere mortals is probably the greatest lesson I've learnt this year. I'm trying to take heart with the words, everything happens for a reason. We might not be privy to the reason now but take heart that you will recognize it when it hits you. I'm still waiting for that time and for the realization to hit me. 

Letting go for this control freak is not easy. And trying to make sense of all the madness and craziness that has happened in the last 2 months feels like losing control. And until I get that light bulb moment, every single morsel of information I can gleam it out will be lapped up, devoured and kept as an arsenal. And I ask myself now, why do I do that? I can't control the proceedings, I can't control the outcome, I have no control over the whole thing and let alone be in the scene. So why do I have this need to torture myself this way? 

I try and I push myself everyday, working on things, doing things, keeping myself busy. Not knowing when it will take me over, just knowing that it numbs me. And I have this recurring thoughts, thoughts that just go round and round and round. Who am I? What do I want? Where do I fit in all these craziness? And I never seem to find that elusive answer. Scary part to all these is that, I can feel myself sliding downwards into an abyss that is my mind. 

Until I can figure out all these, I just surround myself with people, my alone time, my family and friends hoping that I can quietly answer all these questions. And maybe its all because I'm emotionally unstable. All the bottled up, suppressed feelings are coming back out in a vengeance. Knowing things in your head and working out what's in your heart is really two different things. I tell myself now, "Heart, quiet down and be still. You have had your time and it caused havoc. Time for you to take a rest and let things be." And with that, the head takes over and learning to let things go and let things be. For sooner or later, we will all return to God and maybe that is when I get my light bulb moment. And it might not be a bad thing, at least, I get to reunite with my loved ones on the other side.