Dating in your 30s

MSo now after a few failed relationships, time off needed for myself, I'm back in the dating game and realized that it is as confusing as before. People giving you suggestions on where to snag that man, how to meet them and then, how to start dating and how to make him marry you. It's just mind boggling. 

What I don't understand is, some of those well meaning advises also include how not to be yourself! I don't understand that at all. I mean, why? Why can't I just be myself and attract the like minded folks rather than pretend or suppress something to impress someone else and that is not sustainable. 

Yes, I have some freakish encounter, I had some weird dates, some boring ones, some interesting ones and some became good friends. I mean just go with the flow and see where it goes. It might not mean that by going on dates or spending the night means we are officially dating.

Then, there is the other side of things, where I ghost on the guys or vice versa. As much as I would like to be upfront and clear and articulate my thoughts, I have also done my share of ghosting partly out of fear. Fear of them being violent. I've had men that cursed and swear and wanted to hunt me down just because I rejected their offer. So nowadays I take the easy way out, I ghost them. Block them and everything else in between. Call it fear. 

But I also know some guys that had ghosted me. And that's the more interesting part, one day they are like, you are the love of my life. I thank God daily that I met you, I really love you and miss you. And then, the next day, poof~! That's it. It's all over, I don't even hear from them anymore.

And now, I'm in an even more peculiar environment. The guy responds, but I don't even know if he is still interested or not. It feels like he isn't. Is it wrong for me to clarify and even more wrong for me to demand an answer? Why can't we all just be upfront on our feelings? We are humans, we are not that fragile. I can always bounce back but that indecisiveness, that hot and cold treatment, that silent treatment. I don't believe anyone is that busy not to respond a text or call. If one can constantly check their mail and respond to other texts, I'm sure you can have the time to type back a respond. I'm tired. I just want a good nightcap and sleep through it all. And now, I've learned to trust my gut feeling. Time to say, see ya later alligator!

Life is a Bitch After All

It's been awhile since I wrote here. I've moved my writing to a daily journal and only on happy thoughts. I might not have been a better person but it made me more focused on happy things and it made me grateful for this life I'm having.

Of late, there has been a lot of news dealing with mortality and most are quite morbid. An ex colleague gave birth to a baby with congenital heart disease and without a spleen. He has been a very strong bubs who fought valiantly for 30 odd days. A hero to the end. The heart and the spleen didn't fail him but it's the infection that he contracted that did him in.

My bestie, had been diagnosed with a rare form of tumor and although the surgery cleared the tumor, it has already spread to her bones. Although the form of cancer itself is highly curable but prognosis for bone cancer has not been good. But one can't lose hope and must have faith in the journey and just hold on to the love from others to pass this bump. I had not been myself for the last few days since the news. I can't cry neither should I feel sorry for her. My hope is just that I can make it as normal for her as it would be. To know that, we will be there and living with cancer is not death sentence. I've been praying very hard that this is all just a dream and we are just goofing around in Taiwan now instead of worrying about chemotherapy. 

Today is the start of the battle and today onwards, we will go kick some arses right in their nuts and bring them down. 

A blessed #bulat

I've written a lot of times that I'm a very blessed girl. Counting all my blessings in life, I've made a few decisions that had brought me down this road. There's no right or wrong decisions, just braving it through and making the best out of every single situation that presented itself. I had travelled to Japan and Maldives in the space of a month. Just so happens the trips that I had planned was back to back and it was all good for me. However, I would also think that instinctively, I had just wanted to travel without a care for work and responsibility. I did exactly just that when I was in Osaka and Kyoto and also in Maldives. 

I had always admired the Japanese culture of ancient meets modern. It's very common to see spanking new zen modern building right next to an old wooden architecture, usually a temple. Nowhere in the world could marry the old with the new as good as Japan without feeling out of place. My love for all things Japanese started 4 years back when I did a week in Tokyo. Although it was business but it was probably one of the better work trips I had. Come 4 years later, opportunity presents itself for me to go Osaka and Kyoto on cheap flight tickets and boy, it was so good. I haven't been to both places and it was a learning experience for me. I wouldn't forget what I had seen and do in Japan and the new discoveries of friendships and sights. 

And moving from Japan, I went to another island country, Maldives. Paradise on earth is probably the most apt description of Maldives. The many atolls, the many marine pelagic, the endless body of water, everything was just beautiful and lovely. Never had also global warming effects, to be felt so much in a single area. It's sad that we humans destroyed some of the most beautiful things on earth for the sake of money and greed for consumption. Rising sea levels is something that is very serious in Maldives. All sorts of conservation efforts can be seen in Maldives. The capital atoll, probably is the most congested place in the whole world. Population density, squeezed into an area for all businesses to operate and governments to serve. I've been told that to travel from Male to the furthest atoll in Maldives can easily take 18-24 hours depending on sea condition. Each atoll is self sustaining and for a place this scattered, their mobile coverage is one of the best I've ever had. 

It makes me realized that if Maldives can afford to cover and linked up all their atolls, what's some of those developing countries' excuse? 

Another insomnia fuelled night

I don't know when this insomnia started and it's been awhile that I can't remember how to sleep naturally anymore. I think my last good sleep when i can remember was in Madrid, the first night. I think I slept for 12 hours straight, dead good sleep. I've tried loads of ways to sleep but most failed and that includes 30 mins workout daily, no alcohol, no caffeine, no dinner, all except a glass of warm milk. That would just spell a night on the throne.

I know when this started and I know when it worsen but I also know it is wrecking havoc. I need sleep and it's only weekends that I get pure uninterrupted sleep with the aid of 15mg of melatonin. How ironic. 

And no, I don't know what's bothering me. But let's just say, there is something. It's not like I can solve it now in this state. Slowly, I'll try again to sleep naturally.  

I remember now what I did in my last posting on insomnia. I had said I wanted AB miserable even after we broke up. 5 years on, I was still doing that. Only to realized we make our own bed. The men after him, just showed that. And I'm not proud, when we started talking again, I kept egging him on to breakup. My excuse was he didn't look happy. What I had failed to recognize was that he had never seem so unsure. He had 4 years with this girl and he even proposed. I'm sure somewhere he feel obligated. And it is true when he made his own bed of being monitored by his girl, him taking care of her, and him being her slave. He was also in his own ways loved her, for him to obey her. I really think they deserve each other. And with that sudden realisation, I walked out of my self impose prison. I apologise to the men I've dated in the last 5 years. I was just this mad obsessive woman that wouldn't and couldn't trust. I'm sorry.  And I'm sorry for the part I had played in wrecking it up. That's my karma and I accept it. 

Kita Satu Bangsa, Satu Negara, Satu Malaysia

I've always shied away from writing anything political related. It is my principle so to say that I would like to remain out of being embroiled in politics and comment on our state of politics, both local and foreign. This is simply because there is no perfect government, no perfect policy, no such thing as the one rule fits all. Like everything that we do, 80/20 applies. If I can satisfy the 80% at the expense of 20%, my job is done. HOWEVER, there are some lines to be drawn, integrity, governance and transparency must be at all times, at the top. This is like how as an individual, we have the 10 commandments to abide with and basically how to be a decent human being. We are not asking for perfection, as let's be honest, no one is perfect. But if you even lack the basic human decency, then you are no better than the common criminal. 

This is probably the most trying time in Malaysia in my 33 years of life. I'm proud to be a born or bred KL, spending all my formative years. I have friends who are of different races, I've also dated men from different races. I had never seen color or religion as a barrier to striking a friendship. I remember in my primary school, there are probably a handful of chinese with my friends mostly Malays and Indians. We could all speak malay and english fluently. Then when I was in secondary school I had friends that are Chinese, Malay, Indians, Eurasians, Punjabis, rich and poor and of different faith. I don't recall a day went by where we were identified by our skin color nor our beliefs. Even till now, I still get stared at when I go into a restaurant with my Malay friends. It is quite sad that this is not the norm. But I do lament a certain fact, working in a GLC, an environment created to safeguard the Malay sovereignty, I know that I would not be able to move the corporate ladder as fast as I would like to and chances are very high, that I would be sidelined as I'm deemed of not the right color.

All matters aside, I had never given up faith and hope that Malaysia will get better. But it had taken a turn for worst in the last few years. The play for money politics has worsen, I used to say that our current PM started off so well but he had underestimated his warlords that could potentially cripple the country's economy. And the existence of these warlords are the doing of his predecessor, the very same man that is now the current PM's biggest critics and suddenly, holding a moral high ground of doing the right thing. I guess, he had conveniently forgot that he had made those monsters and had for years enjoyed their kickbacks with probably the best office in the whole of KL. A whole floor at Petronas Twin Tower that overlooks KL in an almost 360 view. 

Amidst all the current economic woes that we are facing, we are also looking at a split country and unsure how we could go about to make the change. So we do like everyone else does, we take it to the streets in the name of protest and change. I have been part of the silent majority that had remained silent on issues like this for all of my life. But tomorrow, i want to help with taking the first step out. Making the change. BUT let's not kid ourselves that in just one protest, we will be able to topple the government or make the politicians vote for a no-confidence for our PM. But this is the start of the first step, the very first step to make that difference, to let the current government know that they need to buck up and be constantly on their toes to please their actual paymaster, us, the Rakyat. Not just the tax payers as we still have a lot below the poverty line, but those who contributed to this nation. The Rakyat. Because this coming Bersih 4.0, is not about toppling a government, a vote of no confidence or even hoping that things will change. But it should be the first step for the current government to realize that they can no longer hide behind someone. They should SERVE the Rakyat, they should all be transparent and uphold the high of integrity values. And if they don't change, we will change them out! 

That's my hope for Malaysia's 58th year Independence Day. And I will always hold true to "Kita Satu Bangsa, Satu Negara, Satu Malaysia"

Hallyu Sweeping Over

Yes, it's been a busy month of July, filled with hospital stays, doctor visits, loads of medical jargon thrown in and suddenly a passion for Hallyu. Yes, I've been swept away by the onslaught of Korean wave and it is amazing how I finished all those dramas. Producers, Healer, It's Okay It's Love, Marriage Not Dating, My Love from the Star, A Gentleman's Dignity. Gosh.. Even I'm impressed with myself! But it's not just the drama, I started having korean food a lot more frequent, I understand korean faces now and I followed their stars' gossip. 

Oh well, I hope all these end soon, otherwise I'll be making another trip to korea just to see if I can bump into the dreamy Jo In Sung and hopes he marries me!

Fallin asleep

It's night again and insomnia is here. As hard as I try to avoid medication, I end up taking it just to get some shut eye. I just remembered something when I was watching a Korean drama, A gentleman's dignity. The main actor was putting his girlfriend to sleep. The girl said, you better go now as I'm a light sleeper. Sure enough, she fell asleep soundly without waking up when he leaves. 

I was trying to remember the best sleep that I had in recent years without medication. It was on a flight back from US. I wasn't feeling well and the flight was delayed in HK. I was traveling with my then boyfriend. Being my prickly self, I was ready for an all nighter without sleep. But little did I know, all he had to do was just pat me to sleep while I lay on his thighs, just snuggling up. I'm not saying I miss B now but I miss that memory and maybe a certain longing, knowing that I'll be safe just for that night, without a single worry and someone will be there to look after me. That was the best sleep I could remember. I'm sure there are others but this stands out the most.