Self destruction

B is traveling for a week and this is the first time since we got together that he is away. Like all new relationship, I miss him a lot. Today, in one of the Skype calls, he said something about me which I thought was really unfair. And it hurts a lot and still does. Although the context of the word was different, I can't help being sensitive about it. And when B went on to explain further, it hit me that the more he explain the worse it got. Questions of what I am to him arise, then in only my classic PJ way that I know, I go into my self destructive mode. A pattern that I realized I go through telling myself I'm not suited for a relationship, I'm not worthy of one or its too much of a hassle. I know he is sorry for the remark. But I can't help but wonder, where does that leave me? Am I rushing into things, or am I pushing my way in, or am I letting my past mistakes to come back and haunt me and repeat them again? 

The old insecurities, the old fears, the old scary feelings all came back today. I got scared. I'm afraid of turning into the unrecognizable person I became in my previous relationship. I'm afraid that I become this needy thing that is indescribable. And all it took to provoke the memory, the insecurities, was just one word. One word that my sister had used on me before and one word that AB described me as the effect. I had caused a man to suffocate before. And both AB and B had said this of me, you are nice person and strong. I had hated that 2 words since. AB once told me, I'm a nice person and strong. So whatever happens, if the relationship ends, I'm strong enough to go through it. He was right I did. But it took me all of 1 year just to be ok and another 1 year to think about another relationship and 1 more year to actually allow myself to be happy in my own skin. 

I know the motions I go through. One word to provoke, turns into an argument, and I won't rest till I get what I want out of the argument. And I'm relentless in that. I'll just push and push and push and be this irritating needy person. And then, lo and behold, I hate myself! AB used to say, he now knows why I'm so suited for a job as customer facing, my relentless persistence to get the answer I want. And I can feel myself doing it to B. then it raised the question of why am I comparing? B is different, B is more patient and he puts up with a lot of my nonsense. So why can't I learn to not let the past fears affect my future actions? Answer is........ I don't know.