A blessed #bulat

I've written a lot of times that I'm a very blessed girl. Counting all my blessings in life, I've made a few decisions that had brought me down this road. There's no right or wrong decisions, just braving it through and making the best out of every single situation that presented itself. I had travelled to Japan and Maldives in the space of a month. Just so happens the trips that I had planned was back to back and it was all good for me. However, I would also think that instinctively, I had just wanted to travel without a care for work and responsibility. I did exactly just that when I was in Osaka and Kyoto and also in Maldives. 

I had always admired the Japanese culture of ancient meets modern. It's very common to see spanking new zen modern building right next to an old wooden architecture, usually a temple. Nowhere in the world could marry the old with the new as good as Japan without feeling out of place. My love for all things Japanese started 4 years back when I did a week in Tokyo. Although it was business but it was probably one of the better work trips I had. Come 4 years later, opportunity presents itself for me to go Osaka and Kyoto on cheap flight tickets and boy, it was so good. I haven't been to both places and it was a learning experience for me. I wouldn't forget what I had seen and do in Japan and the new discoveries of friendships and sights. 

And moving from Japan, I went to another island country, Maldives. Paradise on earth is probably the most apt description of Maldives. The many atolls, the many marine pelagic, the endless body of water, everything was just beautiful and lovely. Never had also global warming effects, to be felt so much in a single area. It's sad that we humans destroyed some of the most beautiful things on earth for the sake of money and greed for consumption. Rising sea levels is something that is very serious in Maldives. All sorts of conservation efforts can be seen in Maldives. The capital atoll, probably is the most congested place in the whole world. Population density, squeezed into an area for all businesses to operate and governments to serve. I've been told that to travel from Male to the furthest atoll in Maldives can easily take 18-24 hours depending on sea condition. Each atoll is self sustaining and for a place this scattered, their mobile coverage is one of the best I've ever had. 

It makes me realized that if Maldives can afford to cover and linked up all their atolls, what's some of those developing countries' excuse? 

Another insomnia fuelled night

I don't know when this insomnia started and it's been awhile that I can't remember how to sleep naturally anymore. I think my last good sleep when i can remember was in Madrid, the first night. I think I slept for 12 hours straight, dead good sleep. I've tried loads of ways to sleep but most failed and that includes 30 mins workout daily, no alcohol, no caffeine, no dinner, all except a glass of warm milk. That would just spell a night on the throne.

I know when this started and I know when it worsen but I also know it is wrecking havoc. I need sleep and it's only weekends that I get pure uninterrupted sleep with the aid of 15mg of melatonin. How ironic. 

And no, I don't know what's bothering me. But let's just say, there is something. It's not like I can solve it now in this state. Slowly, I'll try again to sleep naturally.  

I remember now what I did in my last posting on insomnia. I had said I wanted AB miserable even after we broke up. 5 years on, I was still doing that. Only to realized we make our own bed. The men after him, just showed that. And I'm not proud, when we started talking again, I kept egging him on to breakup. My excuse was he didn't look happy. What I had failed to recognize was that he had never seem so unsure. He had 4 years with this girl and he even proposed. I'm sure somewhere he feel obligated. And it is true when he made his own bed of being monitored by his girl, him taking care of her, and him being her slave. He was also in his own ways loved her, for him to obey her. I really think they deserve each other. And with that sudden realisation, I walked out of my self impose prison. I apologise to the men I've dated in the last 5 years. I was just this mad obsessive woman that wouldn't and couldn't trust. I'm sorry.  And I'm sorry for the part I had played in wrecking it up. That's my karma and I accept it. 

Kita Satu Bangsa, Satu Negara, Satu Malaysia

I've always shied away from writing anything political related. It is my principle so to say that I would like to remain out of being embroiled in politics and comment on our state of politics, both local and foreign. This is simply because there is no perfect government, no perfect policy, no such thing as the one rule fits all. Like everything that we do, 80/20 applies. If I can satisfy the 80% at the expense of 20%, my job is done. HOWEVER, there are some lines to be drawn, integrity, governance and transparency must be at all times, at the top. This is like how as an individual, we have the 10 commandments to abide with and basically how to be a decent human being. We are not asking for perfection, as let's be honest, no one is perfect. But if you even lack the basic human decency, then you are no better than the common criminal. 

This is probably the most trying time in Malaysia in my 33 years of life. I'm proud to be a born or bred KL, spending all my formative years. I have friends who are of different races, I've also dated men from different races. I had never seen color or religion as a barrier to striking a friendship. I remember in my primary school, there are probably a handful of chinese with my friends mostly Malays and Indians. We could all speak malay and english fluently. Then when I was in secondary school I had friends that are Chinese, Malay, Indians, Eurasians, Punjabis, rich and poor and of different faith. I don't recall a day went by where we were identified by our skin color nor our beliefs. Even till now, I still get stared at when I go into a restaurant with my Malay friends. It is quite sad that this is not the norm. But I do lament a certain fact, working in a GLC, an environment created to safeguard the Malay sovereignty, I know that I would not be able to move the corporate ladder as fast as I would like to and chances are very high, that I would be sidelined as I'm deemed of not the right color.

All matters aside, I had never given up faith and hope that Malaysia will get better. But it had taken a turn for worst in the last few years. The play for money politics has worsen, I used to say that our current PM started off so well but he had underestimated his warlords that could potentially cripple the country's economy. And the existence of these warlords are the doing of his predecessor, the very same man that is now the current PM's biggest critics and suddenly, holding a moral high ground of doing the right thing. I guess, he had conveniently forgot that he had made those monsters and had for years enjoyed their kickbacks with probably the best office in the whole of KL. A whole floor at Petronas Twin Tower that overlooks KL in an almost 360 view. 

Amidst all the current economic woes that we are facing, we are also looking at a split country and unsure how we could go about to make the change. So we do like everyone else does, we take it to the streets in the name of protest and change. I have been part of the silent majority that had remained silent on issues like this for all of my life. But tomorrow, i want to help with taking the first step out. Making the change. BUT let's not kid ourselves that in just one protest, we will be able to topple the government or make the politicians vote for a no-confidence for our PM. But this is the start of the first step, the very first step to make that difference, to let the current government know that they need to buck up and be constantly on their toes to please their actual paymaster, us, the Rakyat. Not just the tax payers as we still have a lot below the poverty line, but those who contributed to this nation. The Rakyat. Because this coming Bersih 4.0, is not about toppling a government, a vote of no confidence or even hoping that things will change. But it should be the first step for the current government to realize that they can no longer hide behind someone. They should SERVE the Rakyat, they should all be transparent and uphold the high of integrity values. And if they don't change, we will change them out! 

That's my hope for Malaysia's 58th year Independence Day. And I will always hold true to "Kita Satu Bangsa, Satu Negara, Satu Malaysia"

Hallyu Sweeping Over

Yes, it's been a busy month of July, filled with hospital stays, doctor visits, loads of medical jargon thrown in and suddenly a passion for Hallyu. Yes, I've been swept away by the onslaught of Korean wave and it is amazing how I finished all those dramas. Producers, Healer, It's Okay It's Love, Marriage Not Dating, My Love from the Star, A Gentleman's Dignity. Gosh.. Even I'm impressed with myself! But it's not just the drama, I started having korean food a lot more frequent, I understand korean faces now and I followed their stars' gossip. 

Oh well, I hope all these end soon, otherwise I'll be making another trip to korea just to see if I can bump into the dreamy Jo In Sung and hopes he marries me!

Fallin asleep

It's night again and insomnia is here. As hard as I try to avoid medication, I end up taking it just to get some shut eye. I just remembered something when I was watching a Korean drama, A gentleman's dignity. The main actor was putting his girlfriend to sleep. The girl said, you better go now as I'm a light sleeper. Sure enough, she fell asleep soundly without waking up when he leaves. 

I was trying to remember the best sleep that I had in recent years without medication. It was on a flight back from US. I wasn't feeling well and the flight was delayed in HK. I was traveling with my then boyfriend. Being my prickly self, I was ready for an all nighter without sleep. But little did I know, all he had to do was just pat me to sleep while I lay on his thighs, just snuggling up. I'm not saying I miss B now but I miss that memory and maybe a certain longing, knowing that I'll be safe just for that night, without a single worry and someone will be there to look after me. That was the best sleep I could remember. I'm sure there are others but this stands out the most. 

Different People, Different Strokes, Different Countries, Different Ways, All the Same

I had been shuttling a lot between KL and Singapore every weekend now. It has been a hassle but one that I do quite willingly. As I alter my mode of transportation, it was an eye opening revelation for me, the difference in service level and mentality. Bear in mind, this was amidst the whole political showdown happening in the background in Malaysia and major breakdowns in service level in Singapore and all during the whole of fasting month!

What I find amazing is the attitude and aptitude of the same type of job. Immigration officer and airports services. Both had their ups and downs and honestly, for all the complains we have with Malaysian politics, I can't really find fault with the civil servant. Singaporeans who think that they are superior, they are not. But Malaysians shouldn't be proud as there is loads of room for improvement. 

Ministers and politicians come and go. Cabinet reshuffle happens. But those that stay are the civil servant that had contributed to nation building on both sides of the Straits. If we all could be honest on this, Malaysian need to speed up on efficiency and spending the government budget the right, transparent way. We could all learn from the Singapore side. 

I overheard this argument at the hospital in Singapore the other day. The 60 plus year old lady (who doesn't look her age!) was yelling at the top of her voice saying that she had contributed to nation building and why doesn't the government give priorities to citizens over PR? Why should PR be grouped together with citizens? If that's the case, what's the point of being a citizen? She even went as far to accuse the government is not helping those who are really in need. She had wrote in complaint letters every single month to Singaporean PM, Health Minister Gan and Health Ministry! All these for a crowning treatment. She had 7 visits over the course of 3 years. Understandably, she's frustrated but she was also being difficult. She had 2 points to the argument. One was the next appointment is 6 months later and there wasn't any earlier. The other was the charges imposed. Given that this was a national hospital, there is a long queue for those seeking treatment, hence I'm sure had she opted for a different dentist, she would have been able to get an earlier appointment. The second on the charges, she wasn't even close to listening. Every single line item that was given to her, she had claimed it to be part of the treatment and shall not be an additional charge. Things like x ray, its something the dentist prescribed and since it is mandatory, why should she pay for it. The other was sterile supplies and I suspect this includes the gloves, gauze, bib etc that was used during treatment. Its minimal and her argument that it should be subsidized.

When I heard this argument, I really wanted to roll my eyes and just laughed it off. Her opinions in my mind wasn't invalid. It was just the manner she had carried herself. But what I had wished I can tell her is, she should be so lucky that she could get world class treatment at national hospital. In Malaysia, the wait could have been a lot longer with facilities that are only complete in the bigger hospitals and specialty only available at bigger hospitals too. My mom had to seek treatment in Singapore because the doctors here don't have the experience nor the specialty to treat my mom. And for that reason I felt sad. It was the same in Malaysia, we take for granted the service rendered, demanding quality service whilst our own citizens don't pay their taxes, fines, compounds and demand the government waived away everything. All because there isn't any transparency in the spending. In Singapore, the citizens pay up for everything but they demand to be treated differently. Even though every single cent was accounted for, their demand for special treatment not realizing how lucky they already are. 

Of course, ultimately, everyone argues that they can demand for better service. I'm not here to say we shouldn't. I'm here to say we should count our blessings first. To the lady at NDC, Singapore yesterday, your treatment was a root canal and crowning, it takes time to heal, settle down and then proceed to the next step. Granted you had 7 sessions to date, had you wanted an earlier appointment, then you can always change dentist. All the dentists in NDC are actually very good and qualified. You don't know how lucky you had it with that. There was other patients there that had cancer and required to see your same dentist. Some had a hole in the roof of their mouth, another was still on tube feeding, and another had their cheek split open to remove a tumor and they require a prosthodontist to reconstruct their mouth. So, take a chill pill and be thankful that you are still alive.  

Counting my blessings

I'm a very lucky woman. I had never say that and realized how lucky I am till now.  I had no major illnesses, major distraught and definitely nothing catastrophic has befallen on me. What I realized that when I truly need someone by my side, God will send him/her. I always thought that I had enough of friends to last me a lifetime, precious friends that I sometimes held more dearly than my own family. But I realized now, nothing replaces my family and it takes some major fall for me to realize it. At one time, I thought my breakup with AB was the biggest heartache I could ever felt. Boy, was I wrong. Losing a family member was ten times worst and I bounced back. I had always said, that I always had some guy, one after another or sometimes simultaneously, since I was 17. But to be really honest, I made those guys be there. I don't think they had wanted to be there very much especially with my drama.

I had spent 5 years finding myself with each breakup a lot easier than before, making the men to be just that men. Now with my own personal problem, I realized the most important people in my life are my family and a few very close friends. Life is fragile and precious and it took 33 years of my life to realize that. My family, goes without saying, love them or hate them, they are there when I needed them the most. Stepping up to help and for once, I'm glad I have them. As for my friends, I'm really a lucky woman to have that few friends that I can trust, share, cry, rant and still support me. 

As I'm sitting here inflight routed for KL, a thought struck me. I used to have some guys in my life. This is the very first time I'm without any guy but my family and friends. And it feels good. Really good. And you know what, it's ok and its alright at the end of it. I'm just going to continue doing my thing and be happy about life, grateful that I'm still alive and blessed with all the good things around me. Good luck, bad luck, who knows. But I do know, it's been good so far and it can only get better. 

The worst lies in the waiting

There has been a flurry of activities of late. But nothing is in comparison to when all you can do is just wait. Waiting for news, waiting for updates, waiting for any pieces of news we can get. And that to me is the worst. We can't do much while waiting. Eating, sleeping, standing, sitting, all just doesn't seem right. And the barrage of people wanting updates is also scary. As there is nothing to update during the wait, all these people demanding to know information is stressful. 

On another hand, I found myself asking about my feelings on holding on to things. It's quite scary when all I wanted was the guy to be as miserable as me, or I just want to hurt him back for hurting me long time ago. And sad enough, I only realized it today and that's when I realized I'm a very scary person. I really thought I had gotten over it and let all things go. It's only when I realized what I was up today. 

#bulat thought for the day

I never knew what being Malaysian means to me. I grew up thinking that it is my God given right to be provided a free education and scholarship just because I'm me. I admit I've been narcissistic thinking that everything is about me, me and me. And that is what every single millennial now thinks and I don't blame them for their line of thought, I had once think of it that way. I always felt that the government should do more for other races and religions and demonstrate that we are really multicultural and multiracial. We should all progress based on merit. 

But we all forget that it is very hard to be all of that. I've fumbled, tumbled and hated Malaysia with a passion. I had never sang the Negaraku after I left my secondary school. Irony of it is that I lived opposite 2 schools where they sang it daily without fail. I had never once even been tempted to sing along. (and yes, to those who know me, early morning blur would have been a major part of it!) I had all my life think of getting away from KL, from Malaysia, from everything here. With politicians that are a ruckus, monopolized utilities and GLCs and government sucking money out from taxpayers hard earned income. It has given me every single reason to flight instead of fight.

But I'm still here somehow and proud to stay on to make a difference. As one decision leads to another, I'll be in a GLC starting July. It might not be a good decision or it could be, but my last 18 months being here, I've actually enjoyed singing Negaraku and I sing it with pride. Malaysians today are a self centred bunch, keyboard warriors and ignorant. They choose to be like sheep, following the herding shepherds, without questions asked. It is always easier to follow than to lead. And I witness this more and more, as days go by. I complain about it and make a lot of noise about it, but yet, I find myself drawn to make a difference, drawn to tell myself another 6 more months to make that difference. I hope I can. 

Ode for daddy

Letting you go was the most difficult thing

Watching you suffer was what made me let you go

When it all ended, it was just pure relief

Now, we faced it again

That raw feeling of helplessness sets it

This time I look around, I see no one

Scare as I maybe, I know I'm better equipped than before

Knowledge aside, the experience counts. 

I still miss you daily

I miss our food hunt and long drives with your irritating Chinese oldies

Yet, I long to just hear you tell me it's all ok

I long for you to knock on my door and order me to sleep

I just long to hear you reprimand me again 

I just long for you to be here and grunt your approval for me

Come what may in the next month or so

I hope you will guide us through and take care of us from the special place you are in now

I miss you Daddy, every single day 

Our Own Separate Ways

It's late at night and once again insomnia visits me! I find myself back in a place 3 years ago, daunting fear ahead and all lonely and pushing forth with me as the anchor. I also thought of the support system I had then and now. 

Some had stayed, some had moved on, some had wandered off. Ever wonder the friends that you had will go on their own separate ways eventually. Marriage, migration, simply just no more contact can happen and will happen. Like everything in life, it all requires hard work and effort. 

I always thought I should focus on work and family and relationship and all will find its way. Today, I realized that all relationships, friendship and any human to human interaction requires work, a lot of hard work and effort. And if one day, a friend stops contact, you will notice after 3 times of trying, you will lose steam too. And then, that's it. But if its a genuine, sincere friendship, it will pick where you left it months or years later. 

I know who my friends are and I'm maybe a just little sad some had not lasted. But whichever way, I'm still a very blessed girl. 

Of Human Limitations and Humanity

This is a slightly emotional post for me. From all the times that I had travelled and seen, I had never experienced the major differences of terrains and weather, and how we should always know our body limitations. In the last 5 days, we had scaled a mountain of 4,092m and lived to tell the tale. We had also white water rafted in the one of rivers that had some of the best rapids in Malaysia. It was probably the best physical trip I've ever had but it also demonstrated to me, how our bodies are technically ours on loan. 

Probably it's my fault. Today, we had an easy day, woke up late, had a good breakfast. Then me and another friend decided to walk to the markets and that's when I realized I've pushed her body and mine to the extreme. While shopping, she had a seizure and all hell broke loose. I panicked and had no memory of all the first aid course I had to take back in the days. I was shouting for help for ambulance and for my other friend to contact our group for support. 

I thank God now looking back, she didn't had a seizure in the mountains nor at the river. We would have been ill equipped and thank God we had help in the area we were in. It was all so fast and the locals were so helpful. Just when I thought I'm done with this country, this trip reminded me that humanity survives. While the markets stall owners were busy, they came forward to help. While I was shouting at a friend to call ambulance, the locals helped us to call. While we were all panicking, they cordoned the area for us. While we were helpless, they came forward with makeshift fans and fanned us to keep us cool in the hot blistering sun. While we felt lost, the guys just kept telling us, "Kita 1Malaysia, mesti tolong. Tak yah nak malu malu." To translate that, it means, we are all Malaysians, we must help, there's no need to be shy. I must say I was so thankful of that. I had to force myself to calm down and speak in an even, calm tone with my friend. Reassuring her, help is on the way. Lucky she regained consciousness and I was able to glean more information from her about her past illnesses.

When our friends arrived, things were calmer. We positioned her better and waited for the ambulance. When the ambulance arrived, it was the locals that guided them, showed them where we are and made sure we are all ok. After the ambulance left, it was only then I realized how scared I was that I just burst out crying. My hands are still shaking over this. 

Although I'm now sitting inflight back to KL, I can't help but still shake and be scared. I also help being thankful to God, who was guiding her through this. It goes to show for me, at the very least, we can't challenge Mother Nature at her game, our body is on loan, and our time is limited here. But above all matters, there are a lot of good souls out there that will just give help without asking for returns. My faith in humanity is somewhat restored. And below, is a picture of how grand Mother Nature can be.

Of a Man and Two Countries

This weekend was a weekend of sorts for me. It took one man's death to unite 4 million people and brought an island state to its knee on grief. All has been said and done for LKY's lifelong work and journey and his single mindedness to ensure Singapore would be successful. My sister is a recipient of his numerous policies. I can't say now, on hindsight, that he was good for Singapore. But he was good at that point in time to transform. Had his way and policies be administered now, I reckon the response to it would be very different. 

Through out his funeral and his wake, I can't help but draw comparisons to Malaysia. I would say I admire LKY for his steadfast stubbornness that lead Singapore to where they are now. But all those that sings his praise must also remember that he was governing only 2-3 million people and it was in an island. He made it clean, he made it proper. He also made it multi culture and a society that is based on meritocracy. Things that Malaysia needs to learn. It's only in Malaysia where you can hear talks of how a certain race will act and we are open about it. We let religion govern our lives. Maybe its because LKY is not a religious person, that's how Singapore can afford to be a multicultural country.

I can't help but compare to what Malaysia has achieve and its ridiculous level of pettiness we have achieved. We have degraded to a level of having MPs and ADUNs thinking that a single tweet will mobilize police to investigate. I would like to believe that this is really a BOLEH land. Where everything is possible and where everything miraculously work.

Where did Time go?

It's now March, where did all the time go? It's amazing how things can take you off guard and how you get swept up with the full on activities that you don't even have time to breathe. Let alone, socialize, go out and plan on your projects. 

I've been so busy that I didn't realized that I haven't seen D in 3 months. And I think I kind of just told myself I'm not bothered with this anymore. So seems like this went down a natural death on its own without us doing anything. And that's precisely what had happened. NOTHING. Oh well, it could have been worse. The way I see it, some things will work out if it's meant to be. 

As for me, I've had enough drama in January and February that kept me occupied and busy. For the all intents and purposes, life has been pretty much caught up with me. Surprisingly or not, I'm actually happy and contented. I couldn't ask for a better life than the one I'm having now. Journey that I'm currently on is interesting and it unfolds differently every single day. 

In the midst of all these buzz of activities, CNY was right smacked in the middle of it all. This is the 3rd CNY without dad, two years on. Although he was missed big time at his favorite time of the year, we had our own tradition this year. But I just can't help feeling that the familial ties will be missing once my dad siblings leave us. Our usual loud and boisterous gathering is missing loads of people especially from the younger folks. Those that are married, family feuds, in laws to meet etc. CNY has lost its meaning on family values, for me at least. I can't help feeling pity.