Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Laid to rest

My thoughts I hope will finally be laid to rest. Finally I managed to sit down with B and we finally talked. I hope I had made some sense to him when I said that we broke up because we broke down in communication. I hope that I had made him realized that it isn't just me that caused it all. Yes, my drama would have perpetuated it but his silence fuelled the whole thing. He retorted saying, ya, can you do with less drama and I retorted back, can you talk a bit more? 

I don't hope that we will get back together. But I do hope that we can start salvaging the friendship and see where it leads to. I still find it amazing that when we sit down and communicate, we can work things out. But when we are apart, it is just all hell break loose.

His natural defense mechanism is to clam up and hope the problem resolves itself. And usually it does and then, it becomes the silent elephant in the room. Quiet, invisible but you can feel its presence enveloping you. So, here I am trying to chart another way for our relationship, not ignoring the issues but trying slowly to unravel the issues. He used to say that he needs to find a way to blunt my edginess. Now, I need to find a way to slowly bring him out of the cocoon.

He made one remark yesterday, so instead of messaging, maybe I should just meet him. And i replied back, trying to get you to meet me took a month and you were reluctant! So, how do you suggest we do this? Sometimes we are so fixated on the problems that it caused to forget we had all the good things going for us. 

And I guess, I'll still try. I haven't given up hope but I'm not clinging on to it. Come what may, come what be in this life. With all the recent happenings, I think we all deserve a second chance. Love, Faith, Hope. Those are the 3 things that I can hold on to. 

And I came across this quote and it kind of put everything into perspective for me. 

“If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do. If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs. “Busy” is another word for “asshole.” “Asshole” is another word for the guy you’re dating. You deserve a fucking phone call.” 
― Greg Behrendt

Monday, November 25, 2013

The Year That Has Been

I, for one, can't wait for 2013 to be over. It has been the highest of highs and lowest of low and all in the space of 12 months. Theoretically when I'm typing this, it should be 11 months but then, looking at how fast time passes us now, I won't be surprise if I blink and its Christmas. 

Let's start with the lowest of low. I've lost way too many people this year. It got me wary, it got me scared. And now, there isn't any other way out of this but to say a little prayer for those who had left and just accept it. I had and still will miss my dad, very much. I can't help wishing day in, day out, that he is still here to witness all the things his daughters had achieved to date. And he would have been proud. He would have smiled on us in his crooked smile and nodded. He would have said, ya.

Also, friends that I had lost this year. Its amazing that I'll start losing friends at this age. I had also lost a relationship this year and that was the cause of all the downtime.

On the up side, I had made some new friends, I had started my own business, I had went to a new country and I'm ending the year with loads of travel. Its all good then. 

I had nothing to regret and nothing to feel bad about. I had said my piece and made my peace. That's important to me. Now, I just need to feel good about myself and start living my life again as Pei Jet. 


Sunday, November 24, 2013

Letting it go

Realizing we are all mere mortals is probably the greatest lesson I've learnt this year. I'm trying to take heart with the words, everything happens for a reason. We might not be privy to the reason now but take heart that you will recognize it when it hits you. I'm still waiting for that time and for the realization to hit me. 

Letting go for this control freak is not easy. And trying to make sense of all the madness and craziness that has happened in the last 2 months feels like losing control. And until I get that light bulb moment, every single morsel of information I can gleam it out will be lapped up, devoured and kept as an arsenal. And I ask myself now, why do I do that? I can't control the proceedings, I can't control the outcome, I have no control over the whole thing and let alone be in the scene. So why do I have this need to torture myself this way? 

I try and I push myself everyday, working on things, doing things, keeping myself busy. Not knowing when it will take me over, just knowing that it numbs me. And I have this recurring thoughts, thoughts that just go round and round and round. Who am I? What do I want? Where do I fit in all these craziness? And I never seem to find that elusive answer. Scary part to all these is that, I can feel myself sliding downwards into an abyss that is my mind. 

Until I can figure out all these, I just surround myself with people, my alone time, my family and friends hoping that I can quietly answer all these questions. And maybe its all because I'm emotionally unstable. All the bottled up, suppressed feelings are coming back out in a vengeance. Knowing things in your head and working out what's in your heart is really two different things. I tell myself now, "Heart, quiet down and be still. You have had your time and it caused havoc. Time for you to take a rest and let things be." And with that, the head takes over and learning to let things go and let things be. For sooner or later, we will all return to God and maybe that is when I get my light bulb moment. And it might not be a bad thing, at least, I get to reunite with my loved ones on the other side. 

You will be missed.......

I lost a friend today. It was unexpected as I was just talking to him 6 days back about the good food in Jakarta and how he should try all my favorite food haunts. I had known Ziad for 4 years now and he remembered the whole entire thing more than me. I remember asking him once, how long have we known each other and without a blink of an eye, he said 4 years. He didn't have to think about it and he remembered it all. He is a people's person through and true. He had always treated me like a sister and I used to tease him about learning Mandarin. I know we always joked about his overseas trip without his wife but I know, every single time that he travels, he misses his wife and family dearly. He was a good husband and father. Ziad, I miss our chats about travels and all our misadventures. I'll truly treasure those moments. Although far and few in between, I'll remember how you supported me and laughed with me over one too many drinks. 

Yes, I agree with you when you said that I deserve a guy that treasures me and sees me for who I am. And I know you will look after me either shaking your head or smirking at me, at my nonsense.

Bro, you were one in a million and I still can't believe you are gone. You will always have a special place in my heart. Till we meet again sooner or later, don't have too much fun up there without me. And yes, remember that I had introduced you to the best dark chocolate tart ever! Rest in peace my dear friend, Ziad Asmat. It is my honor and pleasure to have known you in my life. God loves you more. Take care over there!

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Still wondering....

I wonder what will drive one man to literally go anonymous and only hold on to his core support. What did he go through to be that and what has brought his defence mechanism to such? What baggage does he have to go through such extremes to protect his privacy? What is it that he is hiding? Isn't it tiring and painful? 

Moving on from self imposed imprisonment

This past one month has been an amazing journey. Ups and downs and ins and outs and my only outlet has been working and writing. I've written so much in the last one month its amazing. No, its only my ramblings which means it will not see daylight but I enjoy just pouring it all out and then take pleasure in hitting the delete button. 

I'm slowly moving on now. From not working to hopefully, a new job in mid December. Well, something or someone has to pay me whilst I can continue my journey with Geeky Maven on the side. I had started reading again and I forgot the joys of mornings in bed with a book. I had started running again, the best and most therapeutic way to work all those anxiety away, if only the weather would agree with me. I had also started drinking again but only limited to stout and whiskey. Well, a girl needs to know her drinks and make every one of those empty calorie a quality one.

I had also spent a lot of time with mom, my aunt, my 2 nephews and my friends. I've also started traveling again and I can't wait for it to bring to somewhere else and uncharted. 

Most of all, this last one month has been an eye opener. My eyes opened to what relationships truly are. There is no set rules, no expectations, no boundaries and definitely nothing about control. But then there also a lot of people with different outlooks on relationship and as we grow older, we have a preconceived notion and set rules of what works and doesn't. There is no more throwing caution to the wind, we become more cautious, weary and jaded. But there is also less drama when things doesn't work out, yes, you will still be upset, you will still cry one month on, you will still yearn and long for it. You will still think with your heart and you will let your heart guide you for a little while more. Once, the battle is won by your head, it is easier to let go. I've learn now that there is a small joy in a relationship that is without drama. There is a joy in letting things go and setting yourself free. There is no point holding on. Yes, your heart will be stubborn and forever optimistically asking you to hold on. Your head will be there to tell you, its ok. Time heals all things and you will get stronger.

Sometimes all you need to do is quiet the heart and let your logical head guide you through. You will be able to sleep better at night and the pain will be lesser. The hurt will also lessen in time. You need your time to grieve but you know you will move on. Respect the relationship that had passed, grieve for the lost chance, lost opportunity even the lost of a friend. But you know deep down, it will pass and one day, you will wake up with a smile and a spring in your step. And you will know then, it has passed. Just don't let it drown you in misery. Just don't indulge in it, just don't throw pity parties. You know you will be fine. Don't try too hard or it will kill you. Let it be, let it go, take a deep breathe, close your eyes, say a little prayer and trust it will all be OK. And it will be. Maybe not tomorrow, not next week, but give it time to grieve, and then the healing can begin. Once the healing starts, you know that the worst is over and behind you. Learn from the experience and move on. Once you can accept that, the smile on your face and that spring in your step will happen. If not, wash rinse and repeat. 

Que sera sera, whatever will be will be. 

Friday, November 8, 2013

The birth of Geeky Maven

I have been a very miserable person for coming to 2 months I reckon. Yes, I got into an argument with B and we broke up 1 month into the argument. I'm no longer working and it added to the whole equation and he just changed jobs. Too many things happening at one time and it was just bad. Right guy wrong timing or wrong guy right timing? I wouldn't know. But I do know now that I'm moving on and hence, the birth of Geeky Maven

My dream of freelance and doing my own things have finally came through. And by stroke of luck, I have 2 clients now. It is amazing to say the least. Most efforts, time and focus that I have, day in, day out is on Geeky Maven. It is amazing how much details and work I need to put in to set up the company, to market ourselves and to just talk to people about it. But I'm learning things and I'm learning how to make this work instead of just a side income. Hopefully, if all goes well, it will be sustainable after 1 year and bigger and better things after 3 years. Keeping my fingers and toes cross!

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Stopped trying

You know what is amazing? Is that when you stopped trying I see you answering phones and texts of others. I don't get it and I realized now it is me that you are trying to avoid, even when we have unresolved issues, even when you left just like that. You can retort back with, you don't know what you are saying because you don't know what is happening. Well, that's right mister, I don't know because you didn't tell me. I'm not a mind reader. And how do you expect me to know when you don't tell me. It is just a downright breakdown in communications and yet, you don't see a need to address it anymore. So, there you go, a relationship down the drain because you are commitment phobic and just refused to talk anymore. In fact, what's amazing is you don't care.