Fallin asleep

It's night again and insomnia is here. As hard as I try to avoid medication, I end up taking it just to get some shut eye. I just remembered something when I was watching a Korean drama, A gentleman's dignity. The main actor was putting his girlfriend to sleep. The girl said, you better go now as I'm a light sleeper. Sure enough, she fell asleep soundly without waking up when he leaves. 

I was trying to remember the best sleep that I had in recent years without medication. It was on a flight back from US. I wasn't feeling well and the flight was delayed in HK. I was traveling with my then boyfriend. Being my prickly self, I was ready for an all nighter without sleep. But little did I know, all he had to do was just pat me to sleep while I lay on his thighs, just snuggling up. I'm not saying I miss B now but I miss that memory and maybe a certain longing, knowing that I'll be safe just for that night, without a single worry and someone will be there to look after me. That was the best sleep I could remember. I'm sure there are others but this stands out the most. 

Different People, Different Strokes, Different Countries, Different Ways, All the Same

I had been shuttling a lot between KL and Singapore every weekend now. It has been a hassle but one that I do quite willingly. As I alter my mode of transportation, it was an eye opening revelation for me, the difference in service level and mentality. Bear in mind, this was amidst the whole political showdown happening in the background in Malaysia and major breakdowns in service level in Singapore and all during the whole of fasting month!

What I find amazing is the attitude and aptitude of the same type of job. Immigration officer and airports services. Both had their ups and downs and honestly, for all the complains we have with Malaysian politics, I can't really find fault with the civil servant. Singaporeans who think that they are superior, they are not. But Malaysians shouldn't be proud as there is loads of room for improvement. 

Ministers and politicians come and go. Cabinet reshuffle happens. But those that stay are the civil servant that had contributed to nation building on both sides of the Straits. If we all could be honest on this, Malaysian need to speed up on efficiency and spending the government budget the right, transparent way. We could all learn from the Singapore side. 

I overheard this argument at the hospital in Singapore the other day. The 60 plus year old lady (who doesn't look her age!) was yelling at the top of her voice saying that she had contributed to nation building and why doesn't the government give priorities to citizens over PR? Why should PR be grouped together with citizens? If that's the case, what's the point of being a citizen? She even went as far to accuse the government is not helping those who are really in need. She had wrote in complaint letters every single month to Singaporean PM, Health Minister Gan and Health Ministry! All these for a crowning treatment. She had 7 visits over the course of 3 years. Understandably, she's frustrated but she was also being difficult. She had 2 points to the argument. One was the next appointment is 6 months later and there wasn't any earlier. The other was the charges imposed. Given that this was a national hospital, there is a long queue for those seeking treatment, hence I'm sure had she opted for a different dentist, she would have been able to get an earlier appointment. The second on the charges, she wasn't even close to listening. Every single line item that was given to her, she had claimed it to be part of the treatment and shall not be an additional charge. Things like x ray, its something the dentist prescribed and since it is mandatory, why should she pay for it. The other was sterile supplies and I suspect this includes the gloves, gauze, bib etc that was used during treatment. Its minimal and her argument that it should be subsidized.

When I heard this argument, I really wanted to roll my eyes and just laughed it off. Her opinions in my mind wasn't invalid. It was just the manner she had carried herself. But what I had wished I can tell her is, she should be so lucky that she could get world class treatment at national hospital. In Malaysia, the wait could have been a lot longer with facilities that are only complete in the bigger hospitals and specialty only available at bigger hospitals too. My mom had to seek treatment in Singapore because the doctors here don't have the experience nor the specialty to treat my mom. And for that reason I felt sad. It was the same in Malaysia, we take for granted the service rendered, demanding quality service whilst our own citizens don't pay their taxes, fines, compounds and demand the government waived away everything. All because there isn't any transparency in the spending. In Singapore, the citizens pay up for everything but they demand to be treated differently. Even though every single cent was accounted for, their demand for special treatment not realizing how lucky they already are. 

Of course, ultimately, everyone argues that they can demand for better service. I'm not here to say we shouldn't. I'm here to say we should count our blessings first. To the lady at NDC, Singapore yesterday, your treatment was a root canal and crowning, it takes time to heal, settle down and then proceed to the next step. Granted you had 7 sessions to date, had you wanted an earlier appointment, then you can always change dentist. All the dentists in NDC are actually very good and qualified. You don't know how lucky you had it with that. There was other patients there that had cancer and required to see your same dentist. Some had a hole in the roof of their mouth, another was still on tube feeding, and another had their cheek split open to remove a tumor and they require a prosthodontist to reconstruct their mouth. So, take a chill pill and be thankful that you are still alive.  

Counting my blessings

I'm a very lucky woman. I had never say that and realized how lucky I am till now.  I had no major illnesses, major distraught and definitely nothing catastrophic has befallen on me. What I realized that when I truly need someone by my side, God will send him/her. I always thought that I had enough of friends to last me a lifetime, precious friends that I sometimes held more dearly than my own family. But I realized now, nothing replaces my family and it takes some major fall for me to realize it. At one time, I thought my breakup with AB was the biggest heartache I could ever felt. Boy, was I wrong. Losing a family member was ten times worst and I bounced back. I had always said, that I always had some guy, one after another or sometimes simultaneously, since I was 17. But to be really honest, I made those guys be there. I don't think they had wanted to be there very much especially with my drama.

I had spent 5 years finding myself with each breakup a lot easier than before, making the men to be just that men. Now with my own personal problem, I realized the most important people in my life are my family and a few very close friends. Life is fragile and precious and it took 33 years of my life to realize that. My family, goes without saying, love them or hate them, they are there when I needed them the most. Stepping up to help and for once, I'm glad I have them. As for my friends, I'm really a lucky woman to have that few friends that I can trust, share, cry, rant and still support me. 

As I'm sitting here inflight routed for KL, a thought struck me. I used to have some guys in my life. This is the very first time I'm without any guy but my family and friends. And it feels good. Really good. And you know what, it's ok and its alright at the end of it. I'm just going to continue doing my thing and be happy about life, grateful that I'm still alive and blessed with all the good things around me. Good luck, bad luck, who knows. But I do know, it's been good so far and it can only get better. 

The worst lies in the waiting

There has been a flurry of activities of late. But nothing is in comparison to when all you can do is just wait. Waiting for news, waiting for updates, waiting for any pieces of news we can get. And that to me is the worst. We can't do much while waiting. Eating, sleeping, standing, sitting, all just doesn't seem right. And the barrage of people wanting updates is also scary. As there is nothing to update during the wait, all these people demanding to know information is stressful. 

On another hand, I found myself asking about my feelings on holding on to things. It's quite scary when all I wanted was the guy to be as miserable as me, or I just want to hurt him back for hurting me long time ago. And sad enough, I only realized it today and that's when I realized I'm a very scary person. I really thought I had gotten over it and let all things go. It's only when I realized what I was up today.