Observations

Took the day off today. Wanted to welcome B home and pick him up at the airport. I had missed him a lot this trip and he was away for slightly more than a week. It is amazing how we had gotten close and how we miss each other so much. 

After dropping him home, I had settled my car and I had my first taste of financial freedom. To celebrate the moment, I went straight to Alexis and enjoyed my aglio olio in my corner. I seem to think this corner table should have my name engraved on it! You will know when you are at a place too much and waiters know you too well, when they say, we have your usual table and is your friend joining you today? I used to come here alone almost every weekend. Then, it became months and then quarters. But recently, I started coming back here quite regularly. It's funny when the guys still remember you and since then, B had joined me a couple times. And they now remember B as well! I think I come here too often!

Now that lunch crowd is coming in, a couple is seated next to me. You can tell that they are attracted to each other and starting out as friends. The girl is overexcited in her conversations and a little bit too chirpy. The guy is trying to be chilled and relaxed and laughing at her stories. It reminded me of B and me. Then, I wonder am I like that too when I'm around B last time? Or maybe I'm still like that now around him. He still can make me blush and make me be this girly girl. I'm still trying to figure out why I'm like that around him. 

But having said that, I haven't been happier in a relationship. In a relationship of give and take, it's been a learning experience for both of us, more so me than him. I'm now his darling, wifey, sweetheart,  drama queen, manja baby, and that's only what I can remember. And by his own admission, that's progress for me already!! 

And now, as I observe the couple next to me, I'm eager to know how this develops.. 

Self destruction

B is traveling for a week and this is the first time since we got together that he is away. Like all new relationship, I miss him a lot. Today, in one of the Skype calls, he said something about me which I thought was really unfair. And it hurts a lot and still does. Although the context of the word was different, I can't help being sensitive about it. And when B went on to explain further, it hit me that the more he explain the worse it got. Questions of what I am to him arise, then in only my classic PJ way that I know, I go into my self destructive mode. A pattern that I realized I go through telling myself I'm not suited for a relationship, I'm not worthy of one or its too much of a hassle. I know he is sorry for the remark. But I can't help but wonder, where does that leave me? Am I rushing into things, or am I pushing my way in, or am I letting my past mistakes to come back and haunt me and repeat them again? 

The old insecurities, the old fears, the old scary feelings all came back today. I got scared. I'm afraid of turning into the unrecognizable person I became in my previous relationship. I'm afraid that I become this needy thing that is indescribable. And all it took to provoke the memory, the insecurities, was just one word. One word that my sister had used on me before and one word that AB described me as the effect. I had caused a man to suffocate before. And both AB and B had said this of me, you are nice person and strong. I had hated that 2 words since. AB once told me, I'm a nice person and strong. So whatever happens, if the relationship ends, I'm strong enough to go through it. He was right I did. But it took me all of 1 year just to be ok and another 1 year to think about another relationship and 1 more year to actually allow myself to be happy in my own skin. 

I know the motions I go through. One word to provoke, turns into an argument, and I won't rest till I get what I want out of the argument. And I'm relentless in that. I'll just push and push and push and be this irritating needy person. And then, lo and behold, I hate myself! AB used to say, he now knows why I'm so suited for a job as customer facing, my relentless persistence to get the answer I want. And I can feel myself doing it to B. then it raised the question of why am I comparing? B is different, B is more patient and he puts up with a lot of my nonsense. So why can't I learn to not let the past fears affect my future actions? Answer is........ I don't know.

Ramblings of a bored executive in a foreign office

Well, I've been sent to Jakarta to see if we can sort things out here for a expo next week. While they have been slow to start and slow to go through it, their laid back attitude to work still gets on my nerves. There are still certain things I'm not used to. Like the fact that we are using teddy bears to attract people to our booth. I love the idea that they want a teaser but I have great misgivings for their execution. The said bear would have been nice and classy at 6 inches high is now 60 inches high. It is the type of bear that you would love to give to your kids! 

I'm starting to understand and appreciate the culture here in Jakarta or Indonesians in general. Nothing that they do surprises me anymore. I'm just learning not to step on other's toes and not force my belief and standards onto others. What I deem correct might not actually be right for them. So come what may, I've learnt to accept and move on. Life's too short to spend it upset. 

But another surprising thing that happened to me today, was a friend that I met through work. He is on my facebook list and he dropped a link for a woman who asked for a man that will be her partner and share her experience with. She ended her whole tirade by saying that she is worth it. What I found surprising was why he sent it to me. And we had a conversation on what a relationship should be and our different experiences. I'm no smart alec when it comes to relationship. But I guess I found myself to be lucky with B and I always ask him, what would you do without me? In reality, I often asked myself what I would do without him.

I ended that conversation with my friend, coincidentally initialed B as well, with me expressing my doubt on whether if all these is too good to be true and every relationship is a gamble. And with that gamble, we have to decide if the odds are with or against us. But in a relationship, when we made the decision through discussion, it is all about dual carriageways and crossing bridges together. Maybe when the time is right, the rings that we will have will be engraved with "Dual Carriageways to Cross Bridges TOGETHER"

Reflections

Recently I've been doing a lot of inward reflection. Probably because I had too much time on the flights to and from US. More than 24 hours door to door isn't very fun and gave me loads of time to think!  

One of the things that I keep thinking is my dad. He has left us for 4 months already and as we are all trying to adjust without him, I miss him loads and was still subconsciously doing things for him. It is only recently I realized one thing, my dad was an excellent judge of character. There was just something about him and the way he sees people. To be fair to him, he had never objected to any of the guys I brought home but there was one I remember that he hated on sight! As usual, in my own stubborn ways, I didn't listen to him. I am after all his daughter! But now looking back, he was right and I should have listen. I wonder what he would say about the current guy I'm dating now. 

I miss dad and the occasional chats we would have if we are not arguing. It struck me on flight that I would not have him around to witness all my major milestones anymore. That makes me down but life goes on. And with that, we are all slowly moving on in our own time and ways.