Dating in your 30s

MSo now after a few failed relationships, time off needed for myself, I'm back in the dating game and realized that it is as confusing as before. People giving you suggestions on where to snag that man, how to meet them and then, how to start dating and how to make him marry you. It's just mind boggling. 

What I don't understand is, some of those well meaning advises also include how not to be yourself! I don't understand that at all. I mean, why? Why can't I just be myself and attract the like minded folks rather than pretend or suppress something to impress someone else and that is not sustainable. 

Yes, I have some freakish encounter, I had some weird dates, some boring ones, some interesting ones and some became good friends. I mean just go with the flow and see where it goes. It might not mean that by going on dates or spending the night means we are officially dating.

Then, there is the other side of things, where I ghost on the guys or vice versa. As much as I would like to be upfront and clear and articulate my thoughts, I have also done my share of ghosting partly out of fear. Fear of them being violent. I've had men that cursed and swear and wanted to hunt me down just because I rejected their offer. So nowadays I take the easy way out, I ghost them. Block them and everything else in between. Call it fear. 

But I also know some guys that had ghosted me. And that's the more interesting part, one day they are like, you are the love of my life. I thank God daily that I met you, I really love you and miss you. And then, the next day, poof~! That's it. It's all over, I don't even hear from them anymore.

And now, I'm in an even more peculiar environment. The guy responds, but I don't even know if he is still interested or not. It feels like he isn't. Is it wrong for me to clarify and even more wrong for me to demand an answer? Why can't we all just be upfront on our feelings? We are humans, we are not that fragile. I can always bounce back but that indecisiveness, that hot and cold treatment, that silent treatment. I don't believe anyone is that busy not to respond a text or call. If one can constantly check their mail and respond to other texts, I'm sure you can have the time to type back a respond. I'm tired. I just want a good nightcap and sleep through it all. And now, I've learned to trust my gut feeling. Time to say, see ya later alligator!

Life is a Bitch After All

It's been awhile since I wrote here. I've moved my writing to a daily journal and only on happy thoughts. I might not have been a better person but it made me more focused on happy things and it made me grateful for this life I'm having.

Of late, there has been a lot of news dealing with mortality and most are quite morbid. An ex colleague gave birth to a baby with congenital heart disease and without a spleen. He has been a very strong bubs who fought valiantly for 30 odd days. A hero to the end. The heart and the spleen didn't fail him but it's the infection that he contracted that did him in.

My bestie, had been diagnosed with a rare form of tumor and although the surgery cleared the tumor, it has already spread to her bones. Although the form of cancer itself is highly curable but prognosis for bone cancer has not been good. But one can't lose hope and must have faith in the journey and just hold on to the love from others to pass this bump. I had not been myself for the last few days since the news. I can't cry neither should I feel sorry for her. My hope is just that I can make it as normal for her as it would be. To know that, we will be there and living with cancer is not death sentence. I've been praying very hard that this is all just a dream and we are just goofing around in Taiwan now instead of worrying about chemotherapy. 

Today is the start of the battle and today onwards, we will go kick some arses right in their nuts and bring them down.