I don't know when this insomnia started and it's been awhile that I can't remember how to sleep naturally anymore. I think my last good sleep when i can remember was in Madrid, the first night. I think I slept for 12 hours straight, dead good sleep. I've tried loads of ways to sleep but most failed and that includes 30 mins workout daily, no alcohol, no caffeine, no dinner, all except a glass of warm milk. That would just spell a night on the throne.
I know when this started and I know when it worsen but I also know it is wrecking havoc. I need sleep and it's only weekends that I get pure uninterrupted sleep with the aid of 15mg of melatonin. How ironic.
And no, I don't know what's bothering me. But let's just say, there is something. It's not like I can solve it now in this state. Slowly, I'll try again to sleep naturally.
I remember now what I did in my last posting on insomnia. I had said I wanted AB miserable even after we broke up. 5 years on, I was still doing that. Only to realized we make our own bed. The men after him, just showed that. And I'm not proud, when we started talking again, I kept egging him on to breakup. My excuse was he didn't look happy. What I had failed to recognize was that he had never seem so unsure. He had 4 years with this girl and he even proposed. I'm sure somewhere he feel obligated. And it is true when he made his own bed of being monitored by his girl, him taking care of her, and him being her slave. He was also in his own ways loved her, for him to obey her. I really think they deserve each other. And with that sudden realisation, I walked out of my self impose prison. I apologise to the men I've dated in the last 5 years. I was just this mad obsessive woman that wouldn't and couldn't trust. I'm sorry. And I'm sorry for the part I had played in wrecking it up. That's my karma and I accept it.
