Some time and somewhere along our journey in this life, we learn certain things and pick up certain habits that we deem correct but not necessarily viewed that way by everyone else. Although I'm not the fan of the general and public views, I've acquired habits that I deem correct and things that I'll avoid in order to protect myself.
I've recently started dating B recently. Give it about 3 months maybe. The good side to this is I've known him like 3-4 years now, but it was still very much on the surface. Now, I treat everyone the same and with my same bubbly attitude and don't judge till I know them better. Somehow with B, I've always been a bit shy but always happy around him. Things are just comfortable, it's like going out with your best friend.
I'm not used to having a guy making the effort to do things. I'm not used to having someone that genuinely cares about what I think and feel. I'm not used to having someone that will bear with my idiosyncrasies and still think that it's ok to be like that. And someone to go ring shopping with me. Also, how I just blush and be shy around him, all girly and giggly.
So, everything is a learning experience now. I have to lose a lot of the sharp edges I've acquired along the way. He always say that he needs to find a way to diffuse the bomb in my actions. In the last 3 months, I have people telling me I'm demanding, fierce and grumpy. I'm jumpy, cautious and sarcastic to people that I'm close with. I realized that I've acquired that as a means to protect myself.
I've recently met up with an old friend, Scott, and we haven't caught up in the last 4 years. It was amazing that we could chat long and short about our lives. One of his first remark to me was, "I see no one has locked you down yet!", All these while tapping on my ring finger. I must say I was stunned when he said that. Now, this was a man I haven't seen or email in the last 4 years and because I'm in town, I decided to meet up. His next comment was even more revealing. He said that I'm all tough and assertive and aggressive in meetings at a very young age, very unlikely for Asians and let alone an Asian woman! But he ended those revealing remark with, "And I know you better, you are all soft, mushy and sensitive inside!"
What was revealing was not his earlier remark, it was the last remark he made that shocked me. I had made it a habit not to let people know me. Since young, I've been known to have a few different personas. This was a means for myself not to let people know me. The only ones that know me well would be my sisters and a few of my closest friends. They have seen all sides of me and they know, deep down I'm a big mess crumbling when things get to a point I can't control.
That same remark that Scott made about me, was the same remark B said of me. Outside a tough chick, inside 'manja' only. It made me think, am I losing my sharp edges? Or am I just saying that I'm done being different PJ and there's only going to be one and only one PJ? And if that's the case, would it be so bad?
And if there is going to be only one PJ, then, I would need to relearn a lot of stuff. Some of it being, is how to include B around my life, how to get used to having someone else in my life and not keeping them at an arm's length anymore, how to get used to someone that genuinely cares and reciprocating that. One thing B taught me was dual carriageways and I'm quite happy to live with that. The only thing that I brought to this relationship is crossing bridges together, something which I'm learning too. How do we face issues as a team and resolving it together, hand in hand. And I'm just taking it all in and learning again, how to love, how to enjoy it and how to just sit back, chill and relax and let nature runs it own course. Because Lord knows there is a lesson in there somewhere waiting for me.
