After Daddy has moved on, I missed him more and more in this period of adjustment. We are all trying to adjust to life without him and without his presence for mom. We all know mom needs company and she needs more than just us to pass this difficult period. Its been 3 months now and suddenly I find myself in the same position I was a long time ago when Dad was still around and active. The constant argument and tug and pull between going out with my friends and spending time with my family.
Maybe I have issues in communications or maybe I have an issue with confrontations. But either ways, i find myself at the same crossroads i had years ago. The difference was in those times, I had no one around in town and all of it fell on my shoulders. Now, I have some help and yet, I find myself apologising nonstop to everyone around me for cancelled plans and re-scheduling. If only life is as easy as me arranging my calendar for work. I don't know why I find myself apologising nonstop and why I feel as though I'm dragging people around me into my issues. And I hate that feeling. The feeling of helplessness, feeling of being insecure, feeling of not being in control, feeling of losing control.
I know I have communications issues. If I had a way to avoid confrontation, I would. And i've succeeded in a career as a deal maker, as tactful communicator, how is it that when it comes to my own personal life, I'm utterly shits at it. I know my friends are angry with me when I just let people literally step all over me, when I don't fight for it. But what kind of fight can you put up against family and your loved ones? What happened to the value of compromise and family love and values? What happens when the one you feel that screws you over are your family? And me feeling that I've screwed my sisters and mom over.
I had my fair share of hits and misses in life. And one of it is when I thought I had met someone that shared with me, the same outlook and passion for life. What I didn't know then and realised it now, I treated him as my means of escape. Escaping family, escaping family responsibility. I'm really utterly shits in this area of my life. I don't know what it means to be in a relationship. What it means to be committed and what it means to stay honest and true to yourself. I remember my last few relationships go through the same cycle of self destruction. We meet, we fall in love, we say I love you, we be happy in our own bubble. And then, I have this uncanny ability to drag up the past, relive it for them, the need to know, the need to ponder and the need to let the green jealous beast rear its ugly head. And then, i kill the relationship in a myriad of ways that only I could think of. I stress the poor bugger out with my constant need to talk and be a drama queen, or the need to know where they always are, with who and why. then, I'll pop up and surprise the hell out of the bugger with my friends saying that we decided to go there too and what coincidence it was. Or the worst, I'll cheat on him with another guy and pretended it was a tit for tat attitude. I remember stressing the hell out of Ken, drama my way out with Eric, and cheated on Ben. It was amazing how I managed to be all that and still try to come out holier than thou. And when all these happen, I took time off and then 6 months later, I had Suresh asking if we should start all over again. That was the epic of all failures! He had me doubting myself and I irritated the hell out of him. After that, i had my friends trailing him thinking that he is just playing with my feelings. In fact, it had gotten so bad that i purposely flirted with another guy just to show him up. Of course, no prizes are given to know that the relationship ended before it could properly start.
And now, I'm back to where I am, sitting in Alexis, enjoying my time alone with my cup of coffee and pasta, people watching. One of my favourite pastime of just being out and observing people and their antics. To my right, is probably a group 15 friends chatting, catching up. In front of me, 2 small families trying to have some quality family time. And all the while, the hustle and bustle of the bar keeps me entertained with their antics. Of course the jazz music playing overhead calms me down. Somehow, being here, and just observing and allowing all that noise to envelope me, calms me down. Detaching myself from all the noise, and just quietly observing and watching and letting my mind wonder what do they do in their real life and what brings them to this place. I wonder if there is anybody out there that is also observing me and being entertained by my antics. And yes, being narcissistic is part of my charm.
A friend of mine said that I have a really sad outlook on being in a relationship, the "woe is me" attitude. I do admit that I do think that and it is really just my outlook in relationship. And now, trying to start a relationship and this period of adjustment, I'm back to square one again. Such is life!
