Of Journeys and Over Smothering

This has been an interesting week. Its not about what had happened, its about what had went on in the background. For all my talk about relationships and its advices etc, I realized that like all things in life, the more you learn, the less you know. This rings really true this week. This week I had learned that the more you think you know how to do some things, the further you are from knowing. I had always thought relationships come with a set of rules, a set of things that you must do and a set of things that you should do. Little did I know, that is far from what you should be. I thought I had started on a journey, only to realized that this journey of mine is falling in pace with someone for some parts of the journey. Like all journeys, you could have someone with you or you go about on your own. But when you do fall in pace with someone, it doesn't mean that you have to take the same steps together. You could be ahead or fall behind, it just means that the other person will wait for you or speed up to a certain point. You can't expect someone to continuously wait for you ahead and you can't expect someone to chase you all the time.

But this also means that both of you have to communicate along the way. Whether you need to speed up or slow down. You could play 20 questions for that or you could have a heart-to-heart conversation, either ways, you have to communicate. However, you can't over smother someone. We are both adults, responsible for each of our actions and our reactions. Its ok not to know how to react, its ok to miss someone, its ok to just keep quiet and its also ok to talk utter nonsense and still make conversations. Bottom line is, its ok to just be yourself and let your co-driver understand and learn about your quirkiness. 

This was what happened with me and D. And when AB mentioned something about over smothering and how he is going crazy without his freedom, a light bulb moment happened. And you know what, I'm just going to be myself, acnes and all my quirky habits. Take it or leave it, this is me. 

2014 : A year of reflection and perspective

I started this year with a new job and a new adamant persistence to change my outlook in life. I can't have the woe is me attitude anymore and I try to live up to this #newpj2014. It has been a challenging year to say the least. So busy that it is now coming to December in a blink of an eye. It is amazing how much things happened and how it still amazes me every single day. 

The job I took on was a gamble and it had paid of in spades. Not in the monetary sense, definitely not monetary sense. But it has taught me a few things. One, it really made me realized I have patience in me. Managing my bunch of monkeys and all their idiosyncrasies have been at times the most rewarding and the most frustrating thing that I've ever experienced. However, looking back on the things that I've been through with them, I'm glad I did and I wished I could have done better. I've learned a lot from them as well and I'm happy to say one is moving on to greener pastures (maybe!) and another will be promoted. I stand proud and I hope that it would work out for them. 

As for my family, my mom is turning out surprisingly, a happy trooper! I'm so proud of her and how she overcome so many of her mental blocks and how she is still standing and more independent as days goes by. I can't believe she went through all that she did. She will continue to make me proud. 

My love life took a not too surprising route. I've just started dating someone. I'm not sure being in a relationship with him will entails. Everyday I'm still learning something new about him and how we should interact, how we both react to different things and our behaviour and our very own idiosyncrasies to deal with. It has really been a journey. All preconceived ideas and ideals about him was thrown out of the window and I thought I knew him pretty well. Boy, was I wrong! Of course, wanting attention and wanting to meet him was primary but then again, I've learned that sometimes, its ok too, if I don't get to meet him. After all, this is a marathon not a sprint. Trust me, my typical reaction of Flight or Fight comes in every other day. And I have to tell myself that its ok to slow down.

As for my own self, this year had been interesting. I started the year wanting to change my outlook, one day at a time. And I still try to adopt this, one day at a time, one moment at a time. Well, I had learned how to make soaps, scrubs, body oil, body lotion, lip balms and the multitude different uses of each essential oil. I had failed miserably at the facial care though. Instead of the glowing skin review I should be writing, I ended up with acnes and big fat red ones too. Although now I'm on medication etc, at least I can say now, I've tried. I might have failed but I had given it a try. I had also started on a 100 days challenge to transform both my mind and body. Well, at the end of it, I might have a face full of acne, I have a healthier outlook for my body and I'm happier because I've learned to let go. And my happiness does translate to me feeling a lot lighter and I really embrace the day by day mentality. 

And with that, I aim to end the year with a big bang and hopefully, all the pieces that I've been planning will fall right into place. 

Relationships and its rights

As it is, it is very difficult to find a partner at this age, even more so, one that's single. But when you find one that is single, why is it there are also problems or attitude or behavioral issues on both sides?

I don't know to say if things with D is too smooth sailing or there is nothing. Like tonight, I felt like a nag or a jealous girlfriend or a burden. I really don't know which one and all 3 didn't sit well with me. Technically we have been dating coming to 2 months, but I think I can calculate with a single hand the amount of times we had met. I really don't want to feel angry but somehow, I would like to feel appreciated or at least, been given some attention to. I understand all of us are busy and I for one will admit that I can be so busy that I forget to ask about him. But I try. I really do. I really try to drop him a note daily and I try as hard as I can, to not disturb him. 

I believe him when he said it was fun and he wanted it more. He was convincing me, giving all the correct counter argument. I should have listen to my inner voice. 

And that's it. I should have just listen.....

Reminiscing and quiet optimism

I've learned now that for every single human interaction and relationship, we are bound to leave an impression or an emotion ticked. In my insomniac state now, I thought of a lot of things and what I reflected on when I travel solo recently, and how I'm quietly optimistic of the future. 

I still don't know what I'm going to do on the work front. I've not been actively seeking out for a job but I know my time is limited in my current company. I'm not complaining about my work but my peers leave much to be desired. I'm tired of the politicking that goes on and I'm tired of them trying to make a move to make themselves look better. It had been a painful journey watching my back and trying to be a better leader to my team as well.

where else on the personal front, I've started a relationship with D. It's an interesting journey so far learning about him and all that entails with being in a relationship. D is very very very different from the people I used to date. For one, he taught me about living life one day at a time. I think if we were to have a tagline, it would be we shall see. We just want to take each day as it comes, one day at a time, one moment at a time. He always say we are in this for a journey, we don't know what the destination would be, but he would be keen to explore with me. He had helped me coined Geeky Maven, guided me through some stuff, been a friend of mine for a year and never hid the fact that he liked me in that one year too. I, on the other hand, had been unsure and needed the time out from relationships. I needed to work on myself, find what makes me happy again and appreciation for my family and friends whom I had taken for granted. 

But, plunge I did into this relationship. And I'm just taking it day by day on whether I get to meet him, I try and touch base with him daily but I do forget some times! He asked me before, if I can handle him. I remember telling him this, no one can, and I for one will not be stupid enough to try. Neither do I want to change him. I need to learn how to live with him warts and all and that goes the same for him. I can't take credit for that, he taught me that too. But change him, I will not even bother to start trying. I know it can be frustrating when he retreats to his man cave. I know it will be even more frustrating when he retorts one word nonchalantly as well. But it will be the same when I do the same to him. In fact, now that he is going through a pensive mood, I can't do much but just sit by the side of his man cave, hoping that he will remember that I'm on his side, doing my own stuff, minding my own business till he is ready to come out from his man cave. And when that happens, I'll give him the biggest and tightest hug ever, because I know when the tides are turn, he would have done the same. 

6 degrees of separation

I always thought 6 degrees of separation between humans is a myth. I had always thought that with 6 billion people in the world, there's bound to be total strangers. But what I had never realized is that given a city like KL with 2 million people, those between the ages of 30-50 are really separated by just that 6 degrees. I'm bound to meet one person who has a mutual friend and then, that's the conversation we will have. And that is why, the person I'm seeing, also has mutual friends and in fact, our ex-es are each other's mutual friends. 

I need to get out from KL!!!!!!!

Two sides of a coin

Sometimes I wonder about this. Two sides to a coin, both sides facing away from each other. Both are used together but do we know which side is the up or down? Or is there ever a need to know which is the right side up? Both are equal but distinctively different too. 

I'm always amazed when someone said that phrase. It doesn't mean anything because it just means something can be used interchangeably but with very different effects. Oh well, things to ponder on.  

#100daystransformation

I had been asked numerous times, what is this 100 days transformation and I had wanted to write about this for a couple of days now and it just didn't feel right until today. Today I enter Day 99 of this 100 days journey I started for myself. I made myself commit to being happier and stronger, physically, mentally and emotionally. It was something that I wanted to challenge myself and it wasn't easy. There were days that I was up and there were days I was down. It was just how I could change the way I view things that made me realized that sometimes situations and some things are really not that bad. As long as I take a deep breathe, count to 10 and exhale, I might just have the capacity to believe that everything will work itself out.

In this 100 days, I had started going to bootcamp "religiously" (I try!!). I'm fitter because of it. I've completed my first 10km this year and I'm proud of myself for running almost 7km nonstop. This is really a first for me. This time round, the weather, my body and conditions were good. I had only my lucky stars to thank for allowing me to experience these all. I've learned how to eat right, get my sleeping pattern right (somewhat!) and still get to enjoy my drinks. 

Mentally, I've learned how to NOT lose my temper as quick as it used to be. I can stay focus on some stuff and complete it. Most importantly, I've learned to let go. I've stop feeling sorry for myself and I've accepted certain things and I'm learning how to let things go. I've always felt that there is a need for me to make sure certain things go my way and I usually bull doze my way through. Nowadays, I don't and I pick my battles. Battles that are worth fighting for are those that I bull doze my way with tact. I've learn how to lose some battles too and that's ok. I'm not here to win a battle, I'm here to win a war.

Emotionally, now this is a hard subject to talk about. I'm not emotionally unstable but I do have a tendency to let emotions get the better of me. Especially when I'm dealing with matters of the heart. It is not easy to take control of my emotions and I'm slowly learning how to deal with that. I won't say I have mastered it but I would have to say this, I'm a very blessed girl who have a very strong support system that would never abandon her even when she's in one of her tantrums. I've learn to deal with it and from loving myself to wanting to see others around me happy, it all works out well. Being able to see big smiles on your loved ones face and knowing you had everything to do with it, makes me very happy and contented.

So there you have it, my 100 days transformation. Most important lesson that I take away from this journey, is living it day by day without expectations of what the future brings and face it as it comes along. I'm fitter, happier, stronger and embarking on a side journey with a man that allows me to be open and honest with him and I think, he would allow me to get away with murder too! Come what may the future brings, I choose to have faith in others, hope for the best and love myself and others.