Fear is all in the mind

Fear. What is fear? According to Psychology Today, it states that fear is a vital response to physical and emotional danger and if we didn't feel it, we couldn't protect ourselves from legitimate threats. But often we fear situations that are far from life-or-death, and thus hang back for no good reason. Traumas or bad experiences can trigger a fear response within us that is hard to quell. Yet (by) exposing ourselves to our personal demons is the best way to move past them.

I got into a very big argument with B, 3 weeks ago and it still remains as a sore point between the 2 of us. What's amazing is that the ups and downs we went through after that and no doubt it was supplemented by my drama queen antics. By the time we sat down and talk, i got more confused by the minute. And now, with both of us saying that we will work on it, I somehow don't seem him compromising. I still feel like he is punishing me and I'm getting more confused with each passing day. Yes, we are taking it slow, we are starting back but I still feel like he is punishing me and yes, I fear for the unknown. So, I asked him, I need a list of do's and don'ts so that I won't drive him up the wall or bug him. But he doesn't want. With so many things happening in my life, the last thing I want to go through now is a break up. So, I need to know so that I won't be self destructive. But I don't get that. All I know is I can't do anything and I can't deal with that. 

I am treading very cautiously on egg shells now and I'm scared one wrong move or question and he will clam up again. I'm also worried one non-action from him, I'll throw the whole equation out of order. So, I ask him questions, can i do this or that for the relationship? would you be doing this or that? And of course, there's a backlash to that. I now, have an insatiable need to know. I'm now the impatient one. But you know what I'm now at... I'm just confused and I want to clear it all up. I can't do this. I can't do that. I can do this. I can do that. I was just thinking to myself, why don't I just stop the misery and just go on with my life and do whatever it is I need to do. 

Another letter to Gramps

Gramps,

It has been more than 3 years since you left us. I miss you old man. For some reasons, I dug through our old email exchanges and I've been hitting myself that I didn't save those from long time ago. I read through one email where you imparted your Jones' philosophy and its something that I had kept in my mind and remind myself time and again when things go wrong especially on the personal front.

I miss our chats and your advise. I miss just being able to talk to you. I wonder if you know my Dad by now and go out for fishing adventures over there. Today your philosophy rings very true to me and thanks for sharing those wise words with me.

Philosophy according to Jones

"You will know, without any doubt, if he is the right guy. If any doubts, forget it. You perhaps can 'envisage' a life together, but that suggests doubt to me, or perhaps more appropriately, the thought/belief that there may be better alternatives. You just have not found them yet.
Be forthright and verbal with your thoughts and desires. Life is too short. Above all, be honest with yourself.
Whatever you want, go for it. Too late when on your death-bed. At last you can say 'I tried. I may have failed. But I tried'. And this is better than saying "I wish I had........"

 And here endeth the lesson :)

Bittersweet..

*queue Bittersweet Symphony*

As things slowly rolls to a stop, you can't help but feel melancholic about the turn of events and decisions made. Once a decision is made, there's no point looking backwards, just look forward to what lies ahead. 

It really hits me now as things are slowly winding down and I'm slowly handing over items for others to follow up. 

Carpe Diem Spirit

I suddenly remembered this poem, "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost, that someone had once written in their farewell note. I had often come across this poem since that farewell note. Its amazing how some things are stuck to your head. When I first read that poem, I thought to myself, that should be my journey of life. I had always say that I want this life of mine to be meaningful, to accomplish things and to make a difference, no matter how small it is. 

From a very self centric decision to now, a decision I made for my loved ones, the only difference I feel nowadays is that I'm at peace with myself and the decision that I had made. I'm no longer angry and thinks that the world owes me anything. I had in actual fact, made a decision as an adult, in consultation with B, and bite the bullet. Yes, it might have been shocking to some, timing wise it wasn't fantastic, but this is probably the best or the stupidest decision I've made. For the first time in my life, I have no backup plan, I have no exit plan, I have zero plan. But what I have is a lot of offers to do a lot of different things. Its amazing how it moves from one thing to another and yet another without realising that there is a market for everything. 

Well, after a tumultuous year, I'm going to take a break come year end for 2 months. I'm looking forward to the break. No, I'm not getting married and no, I'm not planning to have kids. What I plan to do is get some freelance work so that I will still have some income (albeit a very big pay cut!), focus on my loved ones and prepare for the first Christmas with B. If someone had asked me 2 years back would I be quitting my job for someone else or anyone else for that matter, the answer would have been a flat out no. 

So, with that, I'll be taking a road that I would not have travelled on at all...

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth; 

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day! 
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.  

Observations

Took the day off today. Wanted to welcome B home and pick him up at the airport. I had missed him a lot this trip and he was away for slightly more than a week. It is amazing how we had gotten close and how we miss each other so much. 

After dropping him home, I had settled my car and I had my first taste of financial freedom. To celebrate the moment, I went straight to Alexis and enjoyed my aglio olio in my corner. I seem to think this corner table should have my name engraved on it! You will know when you are at a place too much and waiters know you too well, when they say, we have your usual table and is your friend joining you today? I used to come here alone almost every weekend. Then, it became months and then quarters. But recently, I started coming back here quite regularly. It's funny when the guys still remember you and since then, B had joined me a couple times. And they now remember B as well! I think I come here too often!

Now that lunch crowd is coming in, a couple is seated next to me. You can tell that they are attracted to each other and starting out as friends. The girl is overexcited in her conversations and a little bit too chirpy. The guy is trying to be chilled and relaxed and laughing at her stories. It reminded me of B and me. Then, I wonder am I like that too when I'm around B last time? Or maybe I'm still like that now around him. He still can make me blush and make me be this girly girl. I'm still trying to figure out why I'm like that around him. 

But having said that, I haven't been happier in a relationship. In a relationship of give and take, it's been a learning experience for both of us, more so me than him. I'm now his darling, wifey, sweetheart,  drama queen, manja baby, and that's only what I can remember. And by his own admission, that's progress for me already!! 

And now, as I observe the couple next to me, I'm eager to know how this develops.. 

Self destruction

B is traveling for a week and this is the first time since we got together that he is away. Like all new relationship, I miss him a lot. Today, in one of the Skype calls, he said something about me which I thought was really unfair. And it hurts a lot and still does. Although the context of the word was different, I can't help being sensitive about it. And when B went on to explain further, it hit me that the more he explain the worse it got. Questions of what I am to him arise, then in only my classic PJ way that I know, I go into my self destructive mode. A pattern that I realized I go through telling myself I'm not suited for a relationship, I'm not worthy of one or its too much of a hassle. I know he is sorry for the remark. But I can't help but wonder, where does that leave me? Am I rushing into things, or am I pushing my way in, or am I letting my past mistakes to come back and haunt me and repeat them again? 

The old insecurities, the old fears, the old scary feelings all came back today. I got scared. I'm afraid of turning into the unrecognizable person I became in my previous relationship. I'm afraid that I become this needy thing that is indescribable. And all it took to provoke the memory, the insecurities, was just one word. One word that my sister had used on me before and one word that AB described me as the effect. I had caused a man to suffocate before. And both AB and B had said this of me, you are nice person and strong. I had hated that 2 words since. AB once told me, I'm a nice person and strong. So whatever happens, if the relationship ends, I'm strong enough to go through it. He was right I did. But it took me all of 1 year just to be ok and another 1 year to think about another relationship and 1 more year to actually allow myself to be happy in my own skin. 

I know the motions I go through. One word to provoke, turns into an argument, and I won't rest till I get what I want out of the argument. And I'm relentless in that. I'll just push and push and push and be this irritating needy person. And then, lo and behold, I hate myself! AB used to say, he now knows why I'm so suited for a job as customer facing, my relentless persistence to get the answer I want. And I can feel myself doing it to B. then it raised the question of why am I comparing? B is different, B is more patient and he puts up with a lot of my nonsense. So why can't I learn to not let the past fears affect my future actions? Answer is........ I don't know.

Ramblings of a bored executive in a foreign office

Well, I've been sent to Jakarta to see if we can sort things out here for a expo next week. While they have been slow to start and slow to go through it, their laid back attitude to work still gets on my nerves. There are still certain things I'm not used to. Like the fact that we are using teddy bears to attract people to our booth. I love the idea that they want a teaser but I have great misgivings for their execution. The said bear would have been nice and classy at 6 inches high is now 60 inches high. It is the type of bear that you would love to give to your kids! 

I'm starting to understand and appreciate the culture here in Jakarta or Indonesians in general. Nothing that they do surprises me anymore. I'm just learning not to step on other's toes and not force my belief and standards onto others. What I deem correct might not actually be right for them. So come what may, I've learnt to accept and move on. Life's too short to spend it upset. 

But another surprising thing that happened to me today, was a friend that I met through work. He is on my facebook list and he dropped a link for a woman who asked for a man that will be her partner and share her experience with. She ended her whole tirade by saying that she is worth it. What I found surprising was why he sent it to me. And we had a conversation on what a relationship should be and our different experiences. I'm no smart alec when it comes to relationship. But I guess I found myself to be lucky with B and I always ask him, what would you do without me? In reality, I often asked myself what I would do without him.

I ended that conversation with my friend, coincidentally initialed B as well, with me expressing my doubt on whether if all these is too good to be true and every relationship is a gamble. And with that gamble, we have to decide if the odds are with or against us. But in a relationship, when we made the decision through discussion, it is all about dual carriageways and crossing bridges together. Maybe when the time is right, the rings that we will have will be engraved with "Dual Carriageways to Cross Bridges TOGETHER"