Observations

Took the day off today. Wanted to welcome B home and pick him up at the airport. I had missed him a lot this trip and he was away for slightly more than a week. It is amazing how we had gotten close and how we miss each other so much. 

After dropping him home, I had settled my car and I had my first taste of financial freedom. To celebrate the moment, I went straight to Alexis and enjoyed my aglio olio in my corner. I seem to think this corner table should have my name engraved on it! You will know when you are at a place too much and waiters know you too well, when they say, we have your usual table and is your friend joining you today? I used to come here alone almost every weekend. Then, it became months and then quarters. But recently, I started coming back here quite regularly. It's funny when the guys still remember you and since then, B had joined me a couple times. And they now remember B as well! I think I come here too often!

Now that lunch crowd is coming in, a couple is seated next to me. You can tell that they are attracted to each other and starting out as friends. The girl is overexcited in her conversations and a little bit too chirpy. The guy is trying to be chilled and relaxed and laughing at her stories. It reminded me of B and me. Then, I wonder am I like that too when I'm around B last time? Or maybe I'm still like that now around him. He still can make me blush and make me be this girly girl. I'm still trying to figure out why I'm like that around him. 

But having said that, I haven't been happier in a relationship. In a relationship of give and take, it's been a learning experience for both of us, more so me than him. I'm now his darling, wifey, sweetheart,  drama queen, manja baby, and that's only what I can remember. And by his own admission, that's progress for me already!! 

And now, as I observe the couple next to me, I'm eager to know how this develops.. 

Self destruction

B is traveling for a week and this is the first time since we got together that he is away. Like all new relationship, I miss him a lot. Today, in one of the Skype calls, he said something about me which I thought was really unfair. And it hurts a lot and still does. Although the context of the word was different, I can't help being sensitive about it. And when B went on to explain further, it hit me that the more he explain the worse it got. Questions of what I am to him arise, then in only my classic PJ way that I know, I go into my self destructive mode. A pattern that I realized I go through telling myself I'm not suited for a relationship, I'm not worthy of one or its too much of a hassle. I know he is sorry for the remark. But I can't help but wonder, where does that leave me? Am I rushing into things, or am I pushing my way in, or am I letting my past mistakes to come back and haunt me and repeat them again? 

The old insecurities, the old fears, the old scary feelings all came back today. I got scared. I'm afraid of turning into the unrecognizable person I became in my previous relationship. I'm afraid that I become this needy thing that is indescribable. And all it took to provoke the memory, the insecurities, was just one word. One word that my sister had used on me before and one word that AB described me as the effect. I had caused a man to suffocate before. And both AB and B had said this of me, you are nice person and strong. I had hated that 2 words since. AB once told me, I'm a nice person and strong. So whatever happens, if the relationship ends, I'm strong enough to go through it. He was right I did. But it took me all of 1 year just to be ok and another 1 year to think about another relationship and 1 more year to actually allow myself to be happy in my own skin. 

I know the motions I go through. One word to provoke, turns into an argument, and I won't rest till I get what I want out of the argument. And I'm relentless in that. I'll just push and push and push and be this irritating needy person. And then, lo and behold, I hate myself! AB used to say, he now knows why I'm so suited for a job as customer facing, my relentless persistence to get the answer I want. And I can feel myself doing it to B. then it raised the question of why am I comparing? B is different, B is more patient and he puts up with a lot of my nonsense. So why can't I learn to not let the past fears affect my future actions? Answer is........ I don't know.

Ramblings of a bored executive in a foreign office

Well, I've been sent to Jakarta to see if we can sort things out here for a expo next week. While they have been slow to start and slow to go through it, their laid back attitude to work still gets on my nerves. There are still certain things I'm not used to. Like the fact that we are using teddy bears to attract people to our booth. I love the idea that they want a teaser but I have great misgivings for their execution. The said bear would have been nice and classy at 6 inches high is now 60 inches high. It is the type of bear that you would love to give to your kids! 

I'm starting to understand and appreciate the culture here in Jakarta or Indonesians in general. Nothing that they do surprises me anymore. I'm just learning not to step on other's toes and not force my belief and standards onto others. What I deem correct might not actually be right for them. So come what may, I've learnt to accept and move on. Life's too short to spend it upset. 

But another surprising thing that happened to me today, was a friend that I met through work. He is on my facebook list and he dropped a link for a woman who asked for a man that will be her partner and share her experience with. She ended her whole tirade by saying that she is worth it. What I found surprising was why he sent it to me. And we had a conversation on what a relationship should be and our different experiences. I'm no smart alec when it comes to relationship. But I guess I found myself to be lucky with B and I always ask him, what would you do without me? In reality, I often asked myself what I would do without him.

I ended that conversation with my friend, coincidentally initialed B as well, with me expressing my doubt on whether if all these is too good to be true and every relationship is a gamble. And with that gamble, we have to decide if the odds are with or against us. But in a relationship, when we made the decision through discussion, it is all about dual carriageways and crossing bridges together. Maybe when the time is right, the rings that we will have will be engraved with "Dual Carriageways to Cross Bridges TOGETHER"

Reflections

Recently I've been doing a lot of inward reflection. Probably because I had too much time on the flights to and from US. More than 24 hours door to door isn't very fun and gave me loads of time to think!  

One of the things that I keep thinking is my dad. He has left us for 4 months already and as we are all trying to adjust without him, I miss him loads and was still subconsciously doing things for him. It is only recently I realized one thing, my dad was an excellent judge of character. There was just something about him and the way he sees people. To be fair to him, he had never objected to any of the guys I brought home but there was one I remember that he hated on sight! As usual, in my own stubborn ways, I didn't listen to him. I am after all his daughter! But now looking back, he was right and I should have listen. I wonder what he would say about the current guy I'm dating now. 

I miss dad and the occasional chats we would have if we are not arguing. It struck me on flight that I would not have him around to witness all my major milestones anymore. That makes me down but life goes on. And with that, we are all slowly moving on in our own time and ways. 

Relearning how things are

Some time and somewhere along our journey in this life, we learn certain things and pick up certain habits that we deem correct but not necessarily viewed that way by everyone else. Although I'm not the fan of the general and public views, I've acquired habits that I deem correct and things that I'll avoid in order to protect myself.

I've recently started dating B recently. Give it about 3 months maybe. The good side to this is I've known him like 3-4 years now, but it was still very much on the surface. Now, I treat everyone the same and with my same bubbly attitude and don't judge till I know them better. Somehow with B, I've always been a bit shy but always happy around him. Things are just comfortable, it's like going out with your best friend.

I'm not used to having a guy making the effort to do things. I'm not used to having someone that genuinely cares about what I think and feel. I'm not used to having someone that will bear with my idiosyncrasies and still think that it's ok to be like that. And someone to go ring shopping with me. Also, how I just blush and be shy around him, all girly and giggly.

So, everything is a learning experience now. I have to lose a lot of the sharp edges I've acquired along the way. He always say that he needs to find a way to diffuse the bomb in my actions. In the last 3 months, I have people telling me I'm demanding, fierce and grumpy. I'm jumpy, cautious and sarcastic to people that I'm close with. I realized that I've acquired that as a means to protect myself. 

I've recently met up with an old friend, Scott, and we haven't caught up in the last 4 years. It was amazing that we could chat long and short about our lives. One of his first remark to me was, "I see no one has locked you down yet!", All these while tapping on my ring finger. I must say I was stunned when he said that. Now, this was a man I haven't seen or email in the last 4 years and because I'm in town, I decided to meet up. His next comment was even more revealing. He said that I'm all tough and assertive and aggressive in meetings at a very young age, very unlikely for Asians and let alone an Asian woman! But he ended those revealing remark with, "And I know you better, you are all soft, mushy and sensitive inside!" 

What was revealing was not his earlier remark, it was the last remark he made that shocked me. I had made it a habit not to let people know me. Since young, I've been known to have a few different personas. This was a means for myself not to let people know me. The only ones that know me well would be my sisters and a few of my closest friends. They have seen all sides of me and they know, deep down I'm a big mess crumbling when things get to a point I can't control. 

That same remark that Scott made about me, was the same remark B said of me. Outside a tough chick, inside 'manja' only. It made me think, am I losing my sharp edges? Or am I just saying that I'm done being different PJ and there's only going to be one and only one PJ? And if that's the case, would it be so bad?

And if there is going to be only one PJ, then, I would need to relearn a lot of stuff. Some of it being, is how to include B around my life, how to get used to having someone else in my life and not keeping them at an arm's length anymore, how to get used to someone that genuinely cares and reciprocating that. One thing B taught me was dual carriageways and I'm quite happy to live with that. The only thing that I brought to this relationship is crossing bridges together, something which I'm learning too. How do we face issues as a team and resolving it together, hand in hand. And I'm just taking it all in and learning again, how to love, how to enjoy it and how to just sit back, chill and relax and let nature runs it own course. Because Lord knows there is a lesson in there somewhere waiting for me. 

A very flour-y afternoon

It is amazing how I can easily forget how much fun it is to work with kids and their innocent smiles just make my day. I had the joy of having 15 refugee kids from Myanmar to attend our corporate cooking session. I had no idea we were making pasta and trust me, I had fun with the three darlings in my team, Van Suk Ling, Van Dam and Lal Duat. They are around the ages 10-12 and seriously, their innocence and wide smiles and antics made my day. 

I still think making pasta is not the best idea with the kids but then again, it was so much fun! With the kids having their best fun kneading, making shapes and cooking the pasta and the sauce. 

They each came and gave me hug after the class was over and trust me, that was the best feeling I had. Puts a smile and ended the very horrible work week that I had on a very positive note :)

Embracing..

From the start of the 2013 till now, we have been adjusting to life and embracing its changes and differences. Dad has moved on and left a big void, mom is still feeling the lost and sisters have regained their normalcy and a step up in their work pace. I've been busy with work, companying mom and then stolen time with my new guy.

I must say, I'm learning a lot with this guy. He was a friend first and foremost and it's amazing that he pays attention to what I had said, remember and very patient with me and my idiosyncrasies. What's even more amazing is how supportive this relationship had been and being there for each other and just enjoy each others company. We constantly joke about how we can complement each other especially his calmness against my explosive nature. And his patience with my impatience and grumpiness. I'm learning a lot with him, like how to be in a relationship, how to keep it simple and how to wait and not chase for things.

Well, I'm now going out with my best friend and now I really believe in the never say never phrase. I used to say I won't date him, I won't be able to get along with his laid back attitude and I definitely won't be able to stand his unshakeable calm. But what I didn't realize that it was all these things that attracted me to him. I'm actually not afraid to call him darling hubby and he calls me darling wifey. That started out as a joke but its just comfortable and easy calling him that without the usual shudder and thinking that he is some psychopath. It's been 2 months already and I'm really embracing him in my life. We even talked about what we want in life and the future.

Until recently, I thought I was one tough chic that is proud and happy with her independence and freedom. But it does feel good to share this life with someone now. In fact, I used to say that if I do settle down etc, I won't be living with the in laws till hell freezes over. But after his recent parents scare, I actually agreed with him and he is now planning on how to get his parents to stay with him. I'm surprised that I'm encouraging that and just accepting it.

I'm happy, excited and a bit fearful of what the future holds. But I'm now a firm believer that God has been trying to teach me a lesson all these while. He won't close one door on me without keeping the windows open. I've had grand plans of leaving the country and starting all over again in a new environment, doing things that I want to do and going back to study. But when everything was shaken up end last year, I'm now accepting it that I won't be doing that for now or maybe never. But it's not that bad, in fact, I haven't been happier since I embrace this.