The worst lies in the waiting

There has been a flurry of activities of late. But nothing is in comparison to when all you can do is just wait. Waiting for news, waiting for updates, waiting for any pieces of news we can get. And that to me is the worst. We can't do much while waiting. Eating, sleeping, standing, sitting, all just doesn't seem right. And the barrage of people wanting updates is also scary. As there is nothing to update during the wait, all these people demanding to know information is stressful. 

On another hand, I found myself asking about my feelings on holding on to things. It's quite scary when all I wanted was the guy to be as miserable as me, or I just want to hurt him back for hurting me long time ago. And sad enough, I only realized it today and that's when I realized I'm a very scary person. I really thought I had gotten over it and let all things go. It's only when I realized what I was up today. 

#bulat thought for the day

I never knew what being Malaysian means to me. I grew up thinking that it is my God given right to be provided a free education and scholarship just because I'm me. I admit I've been narcissistic thinking that everything is about me, me and me. And that is what every single millennial now thinks and I don't blame them for their line of thought, I had once think of it that way. I always felt that the government should do more for other races and religions and demonstrate that we are really multicultural and multiracial. We should all progress based on merit. 

But we all forget that it is very hard to be all of that. I've fumbled, tumbled and hated Malaysia with a passion. I had never sang the Negaraku after I left my secondary school. Irony of it is that I lived opposite 2 schools where they sang it daily without fail. I had never once even been tempted to sing along. (and yes, to those who know me, early morning blur would have been a major part of it!) I had all my life think of getting away from KL, from Malaysia, from everything here. With politicians that are a ruckus, monopolized utilities and GLCs and government sucking money out from taxpayers hard earned income. It has given me every single reason to flight instead of fight.

But I'm still here somehow and proud to stay on to make a difference. As one decision leads to another, I'll be in a GLC starting July. It might not be a good decision or it could be, but my last 18 months being here, I've actually enjoyed singing Negaraku and I sing it with pride. Malaysians today are a self centred bunch, keyboard warriors and ignorant. They choose to be like sheep, following the herding shepherds, without questions asked. It is always easier to follow than to lead. And I witness this more and more, as days go by. I complain about it and make a lot of noise about it, but yet, I find myself drawn to make a difference, drawn to tell myself another 6 more months to make that difference. I hope I can. 

Ode for daddy

Letting you go was the most difficult thing

Watching you suffer was what made me let you go

When it all ended, it was just pure relief

Now, we faced it again

That raw feeling of helplessness sets it

This time I look around, I see no one

Scare as I maybe, I know I'm better equipped than before

Knowledge aside, the experience counts. 

I still miss you daily

I miss our food hunt and long drives with your irritating Chinese oldies

Yet, I long to just hear you tell me it's all ok

I long for you to knock on my door and order me to sleep

I just long to hear you reprimand me again 

I just long for you to be here and grunt your approval for me

Come what may in the next month or so

I hope you will guide us through and take care of us from the special place you are in now

I miss you Daddy, every single day 

Our Own Separate Ways

It's late at night and once again insomnia visits me! I find myself back in a place 3 years ago, daunting fear ahead and all lonely and pushing forth with me as the anchor. I also thought of the support system I had then and now. 

Some had stayed, some had moved on, some had wandered off. Ever wonder the friends that you had will go on their own separate ways eventually. Marriage, migration, simply just no more contact can happen and will happen. Like everything in life, it all requires hard work and effort. 

I always thought I should focus on work and family and relationship and all will find its way. Today, I realized that all relationships, friendship and any human to human interaction requires work, a lot of hard work and effort. And if one day, a friend stops contact, you will notice after 3 times of trying, you will lose steam too. And then, that's it. But if its a genuine, sincere friendship, it will pick where you left it months or years later. 

I know who my friends are and I'm maybe a just little sad some had not lasted. But whichever way, I'm still a very blessed girl. 

Of Human Limitations and Humanity

This is a slightly emotional post for me. From all the times that I had travelled and seen, I had never experienced the major differences of terrains and weather, and how we should always know our body limitations. In the last 5 days, we had scaled a mountain of 4,092m and lived to tell the tale. We had also white water rafted in the one of rivers that had some of the best rapids in Malaysia. It was probably the best physical trip I've ever had but it also demonstrated to me, how our bodies are technically ours on loan. 

Probably it's my fault. Today, we had an easy day, woke up late, had a good breakfast. Then me and another friend decided to walk to the markets and that's when I realized I've pushed her body and mine to the extreme. While shopping, she had a seizure and all hell broke loose. I panicked and had no memory of all the first aid course I had to take back in the days. I was shouting for help for ambulance and for my other friend to contact our group for support. 

I thank God now looking back, she didn't had a seizure in the mountains nor at the river. We would have been ill equipped and thank God we had help in the area we were in. It was all so fast and the locals were so helpful. Just when I thought I'm done with this country, this trip reminded me that humanity survives. While the markets stall owners were busy, they came forward to help. While I was shouting at a friend to call ambulance, the locals helped us to call. While we were all panicking, they cordoned the area for us. While we were helpless, they came forward with makeshift fans and fanned us to keep us cool in the hot blistering sun. While we felt lost, the guys just kept telling us, "Kita 1Malaysia, mesti tolong. Tak yah nak malu malu." To translate that, it means, we are all Malaysians, we must help, there's no need to be shy. I must say I was so thankful of that. I had to force myself to calm down and speak in an even, calm tone with my friend. Reassuring her, help is on the way. Lucky she regained consciousness and I was able to glean more information from her about her past illnesses.

When our friends arrived, things were calmer. We positioned her better and waited for the ambulance. When the ambulance arrived, it was the locals that guided them, showed them where we are and made sure we are all ok. After the ambulance left, it was only then I realized how scared I was that I just burst out crying. My hands are still shaking over this. 

Although I'm now sitting inflight back to KL, I can't help but still shake and be scared. I also help being thankful to God, who was guiding her through this. It goes to show for me, at the very least, we can't challenge Mother Nature at her game, our body is on loan, and our time is limited here. But above all matters, there are a lot of good souls out there that will just give help without asking for returns. My faith in humanity is somewhat restored. And below, is a picture of how grand Mother Nature can be.

Of a Man and Two Countries

This weekend was a weekend of sorts for me. It took one man's death to unite 4 million people and brought an island state to its knee on grief. All has been said and done for LKY's lifelong work and journey and his single mindedness to ensure Singapore would be successful. My sister is a recipient of his numerous policies. I can't say now, on hindsight, that he was good for Singapore. But he was good at that point in time to transform. Had his way and policies be administered now, I reckon the response to it would be very different. 

Through out his funeral and his wake, I can't help but draw comparisons to Malaysia. I would say I admire LKY for his steadfast stubbornness that lead Singapore to where they are now. But all those that sings his praise must also remember that he was governing only 2-3 million people and it was in an island. He made it clean, he made it proper. He also made it multi culture and a society that is based on meritocracy. Things that Malaysia needs to learn. It's only in Malaysia where you can hear talks of how a certain race will act and we are open about it. We let religion govern our lives. Maybe its because LKY is not a religious person, that's how Singapore can afford to be a multicultural country.

I can't help but compare to what Malaysia has achieve and its ridiculous level of pettiness we have achieved. We have degraded to a level of having MPs and ADUNs thinking that a single tweet will mobilize police to investigate. I would like to believe that this is really a BOLEH land. Where everything is possible and where everything miraculously work.

Where did Time go?

It's now March, where did all the time go? It's amazing how things can take you off guard and how you get swept up with the full on activities that you don't even have time to breathe. Let alone, socialize, go out and plan on your projects. 

I've been so busy that I didn't realized that I haven't seen D in 3 months. And I think I kind of just told myself I'm not bothered with this anymore. So seems like this went down a natural death on its own without us doing anything. And that's precisely what had happened. NOTHING. Oh well, it could have been worse. The way I see it, some things will work out if it's meant to be. 

As for me, I've had enough drama in January and February that kept me occupied and busy. For the all intents and purposes, life has been pretty much caught up with me. Surprisingly or not, I'm actually happy and contented. I couldn't ask for a better life than the one I'm having now. Journey that I'm currently on is interesting and it unfolds differently every single day. 

In the midst of all these buzz of activities, CNY was right smacked in the middle of it all. This is the 3rd CNY without dad, two years on. Although he was missed big time at his favorite time of the year, we had our own tradition this year. But I just can't help feeling that the familial ties will be missing once my dad siblings leave us. Our usual loud and boisterous gathering is missing loads of people especially from the younger folks. Those that are married, family feuds, in laws to meet etc. CNY has lost its meaning on family values, for me at least. I can't help feeling pity.