Contented

Recently I had a chat with a girlfriend, she mentioned that I look a lot happier recently, tired but happy. I realized at that time, I have been happy recently. Not the ecstatic happiness but more of a contented happiness. And to answer that question, no, I'm not seeing anyone special yet. But it's more of the I'm at ease with things around me. I made a decision that I will be single for 2014 and start finding my own comfort zone within myself. I have never looked back since then.

I'm comfortable with work, geekymaven is still an advisor. I've made progress albeit very slow with what I want to do, but at least I'm moving. I travelled to Korea and I'm going to add 2 more new countries my list. Money will always be an issue but it's a manageable issue. My mom is also finding her own space in her singlehood now. It's funny to observe her antics at times and it cracks me up the other half of time.

Somewhere inside me, I have found patience that I never knew existed and a higher tolerance to people. I laugh more now and louder too. It's amazing how much you can accomplish once you decide it that you don't want to let it faze you. Letting go is tough work though! 

On a separate note, had a chat with D (well, I did mention yet earlier!) and he asked me what changed. I couldn't pinpoint it specifically but I just decided to cut myself some slack. I can't control a lot of things and I should only look into within my circle of concern. D asked how is he my solution? My quick retort back is he is not my solution as I don't know what it is but I'm game to try. His other question was, cautious or throwing caution to wind. I'm definitely cautious. I'm still a WIP but maybe, just maybe, I've also grown up too. I know one thing that I want and need, open and honest communication. And then, we can take it on from there. One small freaking step at a time. 

What is it?

I don't know what is it about you. I've met you 1 year ago to date and you had been in my life ever since. A shadow, a rock (at times), a friend, a buddy and one just being there. I don't know what it is about you specifically. I don't know what it is about you randomly too. But you were just there, a phone call away (at times), with no promises of a future. No expectations of what is going to happen and definitely, you don't come with a warning. 

what are you?

After Us

I watched a short clip today. It's called After Us, by WongFu Productions. It was a clip on how a girl recovers from a break up and stages to go through. And one line from the short clip kept coming back to me. "It's ok, take your time"

I asked myself recently, how is it that I can have some form of success in my work life yet, my personal life is such a shitty existence. Love, romance and all that lovey dovey stuff had taken a backseat in the last 4 years. I know where it came from. To be honest, I know I would give anything to avoid feeling the way I did 4 years back at this same period of the year. I had split up with the one guy that I thought was the love of my life and the one guy I had ever thought I would settle down with. It was at that point in time where I had not left my room for a week, getting myself out from the bed was a chore that was too big of a mountain to climb. I had not been able to function for at least 1 whole month. I was lucky I wasn't fired from my job and I didn't commit suicide.

Looking back, I felt ridiculous. He was just a man, nothing more, nothing less. But at that point in time, he was my everything. I had idolized him and I had done a lot of silly things and created expectations that no one could have met. I was young and foolishly in love in my own ideals. 

Four years later, I met him for brunch last weekend. He had gotten himself engaged, and by his own words, very miserable. I have been single for a year and starting to love myself a lot more and took time out for myself. I saw him after a long while and how shocked I was when I realized how he had become. He was actually, for a lack of a better word, shackled. I realized that he would have been like that had we stayed on in our relationship. And that would be the last thing, I would have wanted him to be. And it would be the very last thing I want to be in, an unhappy relationship.

So for some odd reasons, I had set myself free from my own self imposed world. And I finally know and realized now, I have well and truly moved on from my own shackles. After us.... 

Memories

Ever wondered why memories are always sweet? That's because it's always tainted with emotions and our brain can only remember the good ones. 

Late night insomnia

He seems to float in and out of mind constantly. It is true when they say you know about the person more after you break up than when you are in a relationship. B floated in and out of my mind today. And I couldn't help thinking about our good times but then again, I also remember our breakup. It was just sudden and he just went into a shutdown mode. And it was a total shutdown to the point of missed appointments, missed calls, unanswered messages, mails. Everything that he initiated first. It was a frustration. And when we started talking, he couldn't even remember what went wrong. Scary part was, he lied, he deliberately lied to me. And that was when I knew I wouldn't trust him at all. On hindsight, it was probably that, that made me judgemental. All the stolen time on the phone, constant message checking. Let's face it, I've had my fair share of those too. 

Ever believed in karma? I do and it has come one full circle. What I did with AB and K, was what happened between me and B. And guess what, I'm no longer fighting to forget those memories. I'll let it linger, relive those moments, good and bad, and then bid them a farewell. They will be back but they can't hurt me anymore. I wish all of them, K, AB and B, the very best in their future, their lives and their loved ones. I had loved each and every one of them in their own way and mind. I hope for nothing but the best for them. Guess what, I actually mean it. 

Somewhere out there

Somewhere out there, beneath a pale moon light......

Its been a long while since I last blog. It had been some crazy months and it will be an even crazier period 2nd half of the year. There has been a lot going on for me. From my official work with VADS to my work with Geeky Maven, even more so now with more exciting things in store for Geeky Maven. 

Surprisingly, I find my days a little more fulfilling and loads of amusement with my team. Somehow the work doesn't seem so monotonous and definitely seeing the humor side of it makes it easier. 

I have also started on a lot of DIY stuff. From cleansers, scrubs to soaps, I'm enjoying how much fun all these is bringing me. I can't wait to try out different oils blends, essential oils and learning a lot more about it.

Bullshit

Have you ever been with a man that just keep telling you BS after BS after BS? And you lie awake at night wondering why the hell he did it and why is it till now the stories doesn't match? Well, take that one man and then add another man. There you have my last 3 relationships!! And I now wonder, is that my pattern?