Memories and Expectations

You sometimes know that some stuff or people are a thing of past when all you could remember about that said thing was just the good happy memory. It's like we forgot how much that pain or hurt we felt. I'm always amazed at how much my brain can block off all that. Maybe it is a just our defence mechanism to continuously be happy. 

Then, there's another side of it. Expectations. How we expect ourselves to behave and others to fall into place. A good case study would be me and B. We were good friends and we had different expectations. When all hell broke loose, we just couldn't piece things together during the rough patch. After that, it just went down the drain. But we recently met up and that's when I realised that we had some good times and we could be friends again. Just not in a relationship and definitely we have different expectations. 

And that's when you tell yourself that this is the time to let go. Its time to give yourself that reality check of what went wrong, what went right, lessons learnt and expectations to be set. At the end of it, I'm happy I still have my friend back and come what may, life will go on and there will be someone out there for me. There is a saying if you can remain as friends after the breakup, it could either mean you are both still in love or you never were. I used to wonder about that but now, it doesn't matter anymore. It doesn't carry anymore weight for me. 

Although I must say that what I missed having with B is the fact that I never had a guy that adored me that much. That he would miss me a lot and say it. Then, I could irritate him so much that he would want to bite me. I never had that before. I now know that I deserve all that attention and adoration a guy could give me. Yes, till now, I don't know what went wrong and I'm putting it down as life's mystery. 

Harassment and being scared

Met with a car accident on Tuesday. It was my fault, a bimbo moment where I thought there was no car when I opened my car door and a car came banging my door from my blind spot. Didn't realized what happened and I'm lucky that I haven't stepped out from my car. The guy was screaming and shouting and when I finally talked sense into him, I decided to go the legal route as he wasn't even going to be reasonable. So both made police report. 

He kept calling every day, first asking for money, second asking how to make the claims. Told him that I won't be answering his call and to let it all be handled by the insurance company. I was scared because he keeps calling nonstop. And yesterday was Friday and I went to watch a show. What was scary was when I checked my phone, I had 8 missed calls from him each 3 minutes apart. That was when I had the chills. I was scared and I am scared now. I don't know what I'm actually scared of if you asked me. He has no clue where I stay and work but I can't help feeling that he is stalking me down. Or rather I can't help looking behind me. I've already said that I've taken all the legal route. I'm worried for his kid but he doesn't seem concern about his kid at all through out the whole entire time and I had to remind him all the time. 

I haven't done anything wrong and I had taken all the legal possible route. How is it possible that I'm scared of him?

Chasing Pavements

Something about this song has kept me hooked. I kept having in on repeat on my Spotify, especially the first line, I've made up my mind. I know the song was inspired by the singer's experience with a cheating boyfriend. But somehow I don't interpret the song as that. Instead, I kept thinking how lucky I am to have my support structure around me, through all my happy moments and all the moment when I just need them there for a hug, for a smile and even just drinking next to me while I kept quiet. I'm a blessed girl!

Racial Harmony that I've taken for granted

I was born and bred in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. I don't recall a time where the color of my skin was a problem. We all speak the same language, English or Bahasa Melayu, fluently. We all have our mother tongues that we speak at home or dialects we speak with our friends. I don't recall a time where religion was a pain and we all respect each other's race and religion. It pains me to see where my country is going now. 

I may have my head buried in the ground in the last few years where suddenly religion is a big thing and we no longer respect and tolerate other religion and beliefs. What made it worse was the fact that we are now instilling fear into those who are easily led. I never thought that I would one day read in the national newspaper that the biggest fear of this country is when a Muslim murtad. Seriously, what happened to the freedom to practise a religion of your choice? What happened to secularism? What happened to love thy neighbour as thy self? 

As my work brings me all around this region and the world, I realized how Malaysians had deluded themselves. I may not be the most open and liberal Malaysian but I've seen how other races and religions behave and it is definitely not like how it was preached in the last few years in this country. I remember in my tweens period where I was trying to understand religions of the world, I attended church, temples and mosques. I had loved all the religion, their teachings, their beliefs and their faith. I had absolutely hated those that believe that they are the chosen one to deliver God's words. Some instil fear, some instil hatred, even worse, some instil the need to call for war against the disbelief. 

I remember leaving those places of worship in disgust and never wanting to go back there again. Why do people feel the need to tell others that their religion is superior than others? Why can't we all co-exist in a world that tolerates religion but also respect other's for their choices and their beliefs? Why can't we just live and let live? 

I specifically remember this incident in a church where the senior pastor called to condemn a gay bishop and how the church doesn't acknowledge gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgender. He said that it was against the act of nature and we condemn all that engage in those activities. I could remember my blood boiling at that point for if I remember my Bible words correctly, we are not supposed to judge others. Others will face their Judgement Day on their own and answerable for how they lead their life. Until then, we are all equal sinners. In fact, Jesus Christ mixed around with prostitutes and gays as it was a way of life then. But how is it that one man felt the need to condemn and judge others in the House of God was beyond me. 

Now, religion is thrust into the limelight by those who are supposed to govern a country. Instead of governing a country, they decided to be petty and govern what goes on in their countrymen's house! What right does a government, elected by people (mind you!), have to govern what I should belief and what I can or can't do? Where is our freedom? Where are the bygone, carefree days of my childhood? Where I can play with my friends, not realizing that they are malay, chinese or indian? And not bothered if we are Muslims, Christians, Hindus and Buddhist? Where is our tolerance? When has life gotten to be so serious and ridiculous at the same time?

Happy Horsey Year Ahead

It's Chinese New Year and fireworks have been going on and on for the last 4 days. I've come to acknowledge something for the new year. Its going to be a brand new PJ in 2014. I'm going to be single and I'm going to enjoy every single freaking moment of it. I'm not going be sad and mope about the lack of guys or my lack of relationship. I'm not going to be upset or feel jealous when I see other couples. I don't know their behind the scenes drama, it could be good or bad but good for them. I'm not going to long for a love story or be swept off my feet. 

I'm going to learn how to enjoy my life again. I'm going to travel again. I'm going to see the world and the world is my oyster. I'm not going to chain myself anymore. I'm going to be my own compass and find my happiness and inner peace. Its not going to be easy but it is definitely something that I'll die trying. 

So with that, I wish everyone a Happy Horsey Year ahead for all, regardless of size, age, religion, color and gender! 

A Lesson Somewhere Out There

There is another 2 more days to the start of 2014. I had a really up and down year in 2013. I was re-reading my earlier posts and I mentioned that somewhere along the lines of all the amazing things that had happened, there has to be a lesson to be learn. I might not know God's grand plans but I've learnt to be more patient, letting things go and not let it get to me too much. I've learnt how to enjoy the good times with my family and nephews and friends. I've learn to love myself a bit more and not place anyone above me. Have faith, hope and love.

A full circle

Ever wonder how certain things just go back to where it all started especially relationships? Maybe there are some truth in the quote, "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust", taken from the bible, Dust thou art, and unto dust thou shalt return, Genesis 3:19. I've been quoting from religious books a lot recently. I don't know if it could just mean I'm getting older. I'm not religious but I do believe in reading a lot. The other one that I've been researching is the term, faith, hope and love. I'm going to get that ink and that's a reference from the bible. Not that I would inked myself with religious scriptures or anything of that sort. But its more of the fact that I've been reading more of them.

I was just thinking about my latest relationship to how we started knowing each other till now, we have come a full circle. From strangers to friends, to close friends to dating and then back to complete strangers, don't you find human behaviours fascinating? I really do find it fascinating. One of my bestie was joking to say that I could be pregnant and I was thinking to myself, hell no, do I want to carry his child! Then I realized, maybe the whole thing was fragile and it was never meant to be. We both just fell into by convenience or by ease, and we just took it from there. We had one argument and then it just disintegrated. And that's where the sad part is, we could never be as close of friends as we used to be. And yep, we are complete strangers now. Fully completed the circle. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. No matter what happens along the journey, we will return to dust. That's why we owe it to ourselves to make the journey a happy and fulfilling one because this is the only journey we have.