Reminiscing..

Sitting here in Starbucks at Pantai Medical Centre, I think a lot about my late dad. I think this is the first time that I had think of him as my late father. It has been 11 months since he had left us and we still miss him everyday. 

But now, I suddenly remember our happy incidents and funny encounter. One of it was when I bring both my parents out and usually it involves shopping. Dad will get bored so I used to park him at Starbucks. When I asked him what he wants to drink, he will tell me, Kopi O Kosong Hot. I used to laugh at that, saying that it just means americano. Then he would retort ya, call the coffee in english and you pay 10 times the price. He is not wrong in that. But I guess the cool and hip factor wasn't very high on his list. And that's how it goes with him and our coffee. I've picked up my coffee habit through him and it has been a very strong part of us whenever we smell coffee in the air. Till his very last day, he was still asking for Kopi O Kosong Ping. 

I still tear up whenever I think about him but it gets easier and better to talk about him and laugh at our memories. There were a lot of good ones to hold on to. Christmas is round the corner and I still remember the first time it was mandatory for us to buy presents for everyone after my eldest sister has converted. Dad bought all of us lollipops!!! Big huge ass ones!! And he gave the one with bell to my mom!!! Dad was a big joker! 

Last Christmas I cooked up a feast for everyone. I'll try to do that every year as long as I can cook and bake. I had inadvertently started a tradition of chocolate chip cookies bake off for my nephews. Something which I intend to keep. I'm now slowly charting and starting our own culture and traditions to keep things going. Moving on, we all are.....  

A year in review?

2013. I don't even know where to start on this year. I just cut my hair and honestly, I never knew that such a simple act can free me as much as it did. It is very therapeutic for me and it just free me in my mind. For some reasons, after I cut my hair, after those last words of someone telling me "you have your own life right?", I free the demon in me. Letting go after those smarting remarks was a lot easier. And it is good for me. 

A fresh new start, a new PJ, a stronger and better PJ. That's all me in the coming 2014. Come what may, I can't wait for 2014 to be here and start everything fresh and new. But one thing I've learnt now, have faith and hope, it will all fall into place, it will happen at the right time. Its ok to slow down and smell the roses along the way. And it is definitely ok to stop chasing things, stop rushing things and let it go. If it is meant to be, it will happen. 

And I'm lucky to have my family stand by me, and my friends that supported me through out this period. Listening to my ranting and not once allow me to indulge in my self pity. In fact, my family and my friends are the reason why I've not allowed myself to wallow in self pity and definitely not throwing my pity party. 

Chin up, move on head held high! Bring it on, 2014!

Madiba and all that he represents

It is amazing how a freedom fighter in South Africa can affect me but he did. I read his book on his "Long Walk to Freedom" and his inspiration for the Boks but I don't live in South Africa, I was not part of those that benefited his work but he was still an inspiration for all of us globally. He believed in equality for all regardless of race, color and gender. And it made it all more meaningful when his memorial service was conducted on the World Humans' Rights Day. 

The interfaith prayers, everyone else's eulogies of him, the sea of colors mourning for him. That was a sight to behold on his own. Although I still can't understand that the most notable picture from the memorial service was one of Barack Obama taking a selfie with the Danish PM and how Michelle Obama "stare" at him. 

He is really the Father of the rainbow nation and he fought for what he truly believe in. I have friends from South Africa that benefited from all that he had fought for. And for that, I truly respect him and I respect all that he represents. This is the case where I believe, one individual can make a difference. There won't be another Madiba for a long while. Looking at the current world leaders and their weak policies, Madiba was a breath of fresh air that made the difference at the right place and time.

Laid to rest

My thoughts I hope will finally be laid to rest. Finally I managed to sit down with B and we finally talked. I hope I had made some sense to him when I said that we broke up because we broke down in communication. I hope that I had made him realized that it isn't just me that caused it all. Yes, my drama would have perpetuated it but his silence fuelled the whole thing. He retorted saying, ya, can you do with less drama and I retorted back, can you talk a bit more? 

I don't hope that we will get back together. But I do hope that we can start salvaging the friendship and see where it leads to. I still find it amazing that when we sit down and communicate, we can work things out. But when we are apart, it is just all hell break loose.

His natural defense mechanism is to clam up and hope the problem resolves itself. And usually it does and then, it becomes the silent elephant in the room. Quiet, invisible but you can feel its presence enveloping you. So, here I am trying to chart another way for our relationship, not ignoring the issues but trying slowly to unravel the issues. He used to say that he needs to find a way to blunt my edginess. Now, I need to find a way to slowly bring him out of the cocoon.

He made one remark yesterday, so instead of messaging, maybe I should just meet him. And i replied back, trying to get you to meet me took a month and you were reluctant! So, how do you suggest we do this? Sometimes we are so fixated on the problems that it caused to forget we had all the good things going for us. 

And I guess, I'll still try. I haven't given up hope but I'm not clinging on to it. Come what may, come what be in this life. With all the recent happenings, I think we all deserve a second chance. Love, Faith, Hope. Those are the 3 things that I can hold on to. 

And I came across this quote and it kind of put everything into perspective for me. 

“If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do. If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs. “Busy” is another word for “asshole.” “Asshole” is another word for the guy you’re dating. You deserve a fucking phone call.” 
― Greg Behrendt

The Year That Has Been

I, for one, can't wait for 2013 to be over. It has been the highest of highs and lowest of low and all in the space of 12 months. Theoretically when I'm typing this, it should be 11 months but then, looking at how fast time passes us now, I won't be surprise if I blink and its Christmas. 

Let's start with the lowest of low. I've lost way too many people this year. It got me wary, it got me scared. And now, there isn't any other way out of this but to say a little prayer for those who had left and just accept it. I had and still will miss my dad, very much. I can't help wishing day in, day out, that he is still here to witness all the things his daughters had achieved to date. And he would have been proud. He would have smiled on us in his crooked smile and nodded. He would have said, ya.

Also, friends that I had lost this year. Its amazing that I'll start losing friends at this age. I had also lost a relationship this year and that was the cause of all the downtime.

On the up side, I had made some new friends, I had started my own business, I had went to a new country and I'm ending the year with loads of travel. Its all good then. 

I had nothing to regret and nothing to feel bad about. I had said my piece and made my peace. That's important to me. Now, I just need to feel good about myself and start living my life again as Pei Jet. 

Letting it go

Realizing we are all mere mortals is probably the greatest lesson I've learnt this year. I'm trying to take heart with the words, everything happens for a reason. We might not be privy to the reason now but take heart that you will recognize it when it hits you. I'm still waiting for that time and for the realization to hit me. 

Letting go for this control freak is not easy. And trying to make sense of all the madness and craziness that has happened in the last 2 months feels like losing control. And until I get that light bulb moment, every single morsel of information I can gleam it out will be lapped up, devoured and kept as an arsenal. And I ask myself now, why do I do that? I can't control the proceedings, I can't control the outcome, I have no control over the whole thing and let alone be in the scene. So why do I have this need to torture myself this way? 

I try and I push myself everyday, working on things, doing things, keeping myself busy. Not knowing when it will take me over, just knowing that it numbs me. And I have this recurring thoughts, thoughts that just go round and round and round. Who am I? What do I want? Where do I fit in all these craziness? And I never seem to find that elusive answer. Scary part to all these is that, I can feel myself sliding downwards into an abyss that is my mind. 

Until I can figure out all these, I just surround myself with people, my alone time, my family and friends hoping that I can quietly answer all these questions. And maybe its all because I'm emotionally unstable. All the bottled up, suppressed feelings are coming back out in a vengeance. Knowing things in your head and working out what's in your heart is really two different things. I tell myself now, "Heart, quiet down and be still. You have had your time and it caused havoc. Time for you to take a rest and let things be." And with that, the head takes over and learning to let things go and let things be. For sooner or later, we will all return to God and maybe that is when I get my light bulb moment. And it might not be a bad thing, at least, I get to reunite with my loved ones on the other side. 

You will be missed.......

I lost a friend today. It was unexpected as I was just talking to him 6 days back about the good food in Jakarta and how he should try all my favorite food haunts. I had known Ziad for 4 years now and he remembered the whole entire thing more than me. I remember asking him once, how long have we known each other and without a blink of an eye, he said 4 years. He didn't have to think about it and he remembered it all. He is a people's person through and true. He had always treated me like a sister and I used to tease him about learning Mandarin. I know we always joked about his overseas trip without his wife but I know, every single time that he travels, he misses his wife and family dearly. He was a good husband and father. Ziad, I miss our chats about travels and all our misadventures. I'll truly treasure those moments. Although far and few in between, I'll remember how you supported me and laughed with me over one too many drinks. 

Yes, I agree with you when you said that I deserve a guy that treasures me and sees me for who I am. And I know you will look after me either shaking your head or smirking at me, at my nonsense.

Bro, you were one in a million and I still can't believe you are gone. You will always have a special place in my heart. Till we meet again sooner or later, don't have too much fun up there without me. And yes, remember that I had introduced you to the best dark chocolate tart ever! Rest in peace my dear friend, Ziad Asmat. It is my honor and pleasure to have known you in my life. God loves you more. Take care over there!