Still wondering....

I wonder what will drive one man to literally go anonymous and only hold on to his core support. What did he go through to be that and what has brought his defence mechanism to such? What baggage does he have to go through such extremes to protect his privacy? What is it that he is hiding? Isn't it tiring and painful? 

Moving on from self imposed imprisonment

This past one month has been an amazing journey. Ups and downs and ins and outs and my only outlet has been working and writing. I've written so much in the last one month its amazing. No, its only my ramblings which means it will not see daylight but I enjoy just pouring it all out and then take pleasure in hitting the delete button. 

I'm slowly moving on now. From not working to hopefully, a new job in mid December. Well, something or someone has to pay me whilst I can continue my journey with Geeky Maven on the side. I had started reading again and I forgot the joys of mornings in bed with a book. I had started running again, the best and most therapeutic way to work all those anxiety away, if only the weather would agree with me. I had also started drinking again but only limited to stout and whiskey. Well, a girl needs to know her drinks and make every one of those empty calorie a quality one.

I had also spent a lot of time with mom, my aunt, my 2 nephews and my friends. I've also started traveling again and I can't wait for it to bring to somewhere else and uncharted. 

Most of all, this last one month has been an eye opener. My eyes opened to what relationships truly are. There is no set rules, no expectations, no boundaries and definitely nothing about control. But then there also a lot of people with different outlooks on relationship and as we grow older, we have a preconceived notion and set rules of what works and doesn't. There is no more throwing caution to the wind, we become more cautious, weary and jaded. But there is also less drama when things doesn't work out, yes, you will still be upset, you will still cry one month on, you will still yearn and long for it. You will still think with your heart and you will let your heart guide you for a little while more. Once, the battle is won by your head, it is easier to let go. I've learn now that there is a small joy in a relationship that is without drama. There is a joy in letting things go and setting yourself free. There is no point holding on. Yes, your heart will be stubborn and forever optimistically asking you to hold on. Your head will be there to tell you, its ok. Time heals all things and you will get stronger.

Sometimes all you need to do is quiet the heart and let your logical head guide you through. You will be able to sleep better at night and the pain will be lesser. The hurt will also lessen in time. You need your time to grieve but you know you will move on. Respect the relationship that had passed, grieve for the lost chance, lost opportunity even the lost of a friend. But you know deep down, it will pass and one day, you will wake up with a smile and a spring in your step. And you will know then, it has passed. Just don't let it drown you in misery. Just don't indulge in it, just don't throw pity parties. You know you will be fine. Don't try too hard or it will kill you. Let it be, let it go, take a deep breathe, close your eyes, say a little prayer and trust it will all be OK. And it will be. Maybe not tomorrow, not next week, but give it time to grieve, and then the healing can begin. Once the healing starts, you know that the worst is over and behind you. Learn from the experience and move on. Once you can accept that, the smile on your face and that spring in your step will happen. If not, wash rinse and repeat. 

Que sera sera, whatever will be will be. 

The birth of Geeky Maven

I have been a very miserable person for coming to 2 months I reckon. Yes, I got into an argument with B and we broke up 1 month into the argument. I'm no longer working and it added to the whole equation and he just changed jobs. Too many things happening at one time and it was just bad. Right guy wrong timing or wrong guy right timing? I wouldn't know. But I do know now that I'm moving on and hence, the birth of Geeky Maven. 

My dream of freelance and doing my own things have finally came through. And by stroke of luck, I have 2 clients now. It is amazing to say the least. Most efforts, time and focus that I have, day in, day out is on Geeky Maven. It is amazing how much details and work I need to put in to set up the company, to market ourselves and to just talk to people about it. But I'm learning things and I'm learning how to make this work instead of just a side income. Hopefully, if all goes well, it will be sustainable after 1 year and bigger and better things after 3 years. Keeping my fingers and toes cross!

Stopped trying

You know what is amazing? Is that when you stopped trying I see you answering phones and texts of others. I don't get it and I realized now it is me that you are trying to avoid, even when we have unresolved issues, even when you left just like that. You can retort back with, you don't know what you are saying because you don't know what is happening. Well, that's right mister, I don't know because you didn't tell me. I'm not a mind reader. And how do you expect me to know when you don't tell me. It is just a downright breakdown in communications and yet, you don't see a need to address it anymore. So, there you go, a relationship down the drain because you are commitment phobic and just refused to talk anymore. In fact, what's amazing is you don't care. 

Fear is all in the mind

Fear. What is fear? According to Psychology Today, it states that fear is a vital response to physical and emotional danger and if we didn't feel it, we couldn't protect ourselves from legitimate threats. But often we fear situations that are far from life-or-death, and thus hang back for no good reason. Traumas or bad experiences can trigger a fear response within us that is hard to quell. Yet (by) exposing ourselves to our personal demons is the best way to move past them.

I got into a very big argument with B, 3 weeks ago and it still remains as a sore point between the 2 of us. What's amazing is that the ups and downs we went through after that and no doubt it was supplemented by my drama queen antics. By the time we sat down and talk, i got more confused by the minute. And now, with both of us saying that we will work on it, I somehow don't seem him compromising. I still feel like he is punishing me and I'm getting more confused with each passing day. Yes, we are taking it slow, we are starting back but I still feel like he is punishing me and yes, I fear for the unknown. So, I asked him, I need a list of do's and don'ts so that I won't drive him up the wall or bug him. But he doesn't want. With so many things happening in my life, the last thing I want to go through now is a break up. So, I need to know so that I won't be self destructive. But I don't get that. All I know is I can't do anything and I can't deal with that. 

I am treading very cautiously on egg shells now and I'm scared one wrong move or question and he will clam up again. I'm also worried one non-action from him, I'll throw the whole equation out of order. So, I ask him questions, can i do this or that for the relationship? would you be doing this or that? And of course, there's a backlash to that. I now, have an insatiable need to know. I'm now the impatient one. But you know what I'm now at... I'm just confused and I want to clear it all up. I can't do this. I can't do that. I can do this. I can do that. I was just thinking to myself, why don't I just stop the misery and just go on with my life and do whatever it is I need to do. 

Another letter to Gramps

Gramps,

It has been more than 3 years since you left us. I miss you old man. For some reasons, I dug through our old email exchanges and I've been hitting myself that I didn't save those from long time ago. I read through one email where you imparted your Jones' philosophy and its something that I had kept in my mind and remind myself time and again when things go wrong especially on the personal front.

I miss our chats and your advise. I miss just being able to talk to you. I wonder if you know my Dad by now and go out for fishing adventures over there. Today your philosophy rings very true to me and thanks for sharing those wise words with me.

Philosophy according to Jones

"You will know, without any doubt, if he is the right guy. If any doubts, forget it. You perhaps can 'envisage' a life together, but that suggests doubt to me, or perhaps more appropriately, the thought/belief that there may be better alternatives. You just have not found them yet.
Be forthright and verbal with your thoughts and desires. Life is too short. Above all, be honest with yourself.
Whatever you want, go for it. Too late when on your death-bed. At last you can say 'I tried. I may have failed. But I tried'. And this is better than saying "I wish I had........"

 And here endeth the lesson :)

Bittersweet..

*queue Bittersweet Symphony*

As things slowly rolls to a stop, you can't help but feel melancholic about the turn of events and decisions made. Once a decision is made, there's no point looking backwards, just look forward to what lies ahead. 

It really hits me now as things are slowly winding down and I'm slowly handing over items for others to follow up.